Living in a lie
by FilAng3l
Summary: He's pretending ... lying ... what's worse she believes him. And so, both of them are living in a lie. Mainly GC, and CW on later parts.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: CSI and the song both aren't mine

Spoiler: doubt it!

Feedback - will be greatly appreciated

Rating: PG

Summary: He's pretending ... lying ... what's worse she believes him. And so, both of them are living in a lie

A/N: Before anything, I would just want to warn you all that this though I haven't finished this fic yet, it already is the longest thing I've ever written, and I would like to apologize if ever I bore you sometime in the future. Anyways, here is the first chapter ... Song used here is 'In the late of night' sang by Toni Braxton. Cath's POV

Chapter one: In the late of night

_Always thought your promise was for life  
I did not think that I  
would hear you say good-bye_

I'm so tired. I need to get some sleep.

I lay here alone in my bed seems a little uncomfortable; I became so used to sleeping with Gil beside me, honestly it has been long since he has been here, I think he's keeping something from me.

I have tried to talk to him a number of times before but it was of no use, he wouldn't talk to me, he wouldn't let me reach him. That's probably why I haven't had good sleep for a week now.

Hmm.... My eyes are starting to fall...

"Cath"

Wow, I'm dreaming already, he's staring at me with his beautiful blue eyes so I smile at him.

"Cath", And now I know that this is not a dream, coz I feel his fingers touching my face.

I sit up straight and I can feel a smile on my face. I give him a hug, a hug that says I miss him, and that I love him.

"Cath" I hear him murmur. He backs away from my embrace; he cups my face and brushed his lips to mine.

_And I always heard you led another life  
I doubted every time  
I guess my love was blind_

Just as I was about to deepen our kiss, he stands up holding my hands down.

"Gil?"

"I'm leaving" He's going home already??

"Why don't you just sleep here?" I suggested, ever since we've been together, one year eleven months and thirty days, yep that's right just one more day and it will be our second anniversary! Hmm, that's probably why he's been acting weird, a few months ago I over heard him telling Warrick that he's going to ask me to marry him on our second anniversary.

Well, maybe he was really nervous, and that's why he's been acting weird. Or maybe he's confused. If he is confused then I'll just tell him that I'm not in a hurry, honestly I can wait, no matter how long as long as we're together, I don't care when the hell we're getting married as long as I know he loves me and I love him ... that's enough for me.

"No Cath. I'm leaving"

"Leaving? Leaving, to where?"

"I have no plans of telling you where"

"Okay. Well um. When are you coming back?"

"I don't know"

"What do you mean you don't know?!" What the hell is he talking about? Is this some sick joke!?!

"I don't know when or if I will."

"Gil what are you saying, I don't understand"

_Cause in my eyes  
Love was always something magical  
But the feeling is so tragic for  
And all I know is in love  
The thing that I want most  
I can't possess  
There's only emptiness_

"I'm leaving you. Good bye Catherine"

"Gil! Wait!" I jump out of bed and try to chase him. I continuously call for him to stop but he wouldn't stop and just saunter out my house.

"Gil!!" I call on the top of my voice; I bang my fist on the window of his car.

Gil lowers down the window car, "I'm sorry Catherine"

"Why?"

"Trust me Cath, this is the for the best."

_In the late of night  
Just before I closed my eyes  
You lied  
As you kissed me goodnight_

With that I watch his car speed off. He ran off, he ran off and left me standing here alone.

I'm standing here alone bare foot out side my house wearing a night gown as the rain continuously pours over me.

All soaked I walked back inside my house. I close the door behind me and let my tears fall down from my eyes.

Lindsey's asleep upstairs so I try to be as quiet as I can; I took tonight off hoping that tomorrow morning I could whip up something special for Gil. Guess I won't be pursuing with that plan anymore.

_In the late of night  
Just before I closed my eyes  
I cried  
as you kissed my lips good-bye_

Why did he leave? Was it something I did? Where have I been wrong?

Doesn't he feel anything for me anymore?

Is there some body else?

He said this will be the best. The best for whom? For him?

_In my eyes you will always be the lucky one  
Cause you know you'll always have my love  
For all time until I die  
Through the end I give to you my best  
You gave, you gave me loneliness_

I don't know what's happening. I don't know what I should feel.

Maybe I should be happy, happy coz at least he came by to say goodbye.

Or maybe I should be angry. Angry that he left just like that. He left with one bid of good-bye and that's that, no further explanation.

I could also be hopeful. Hopeful that he'll be back soon.

No, wait. I think I know... I should, I could and I would believe that this is all a dream.

A very bad dream.

Tomorrow morning I'm going to wake up in my bed with a smile on my face, I'll cook breakfast and wait for him to come by. He's going to arrive here at my house, open the door with his spare key, he's going to try to surprise me but end up being the one surprised. – I know for sure that he'll come by, that's how well I know him.

He's going to arrive and we're going to eat the meal I prepared, he's going to AGAIN give me the perfect gift.

What gift is it that I am talking about, you might ask.

Well, it's none other than his love.

And in return, I'm going to give him the one thing I could and want to give him...

My all.

_In the late of night  
just before I closed my eyes  
you lied  
as you kissed me goodnight_

He is everything to me, and he knows that.

I am everything to him... that's what he told me a few days ago.

He told me he love me.

That he cares for me.

That I'm everything to him.

And a few minutes ago, he just told me that he's leaving me.

What should I believe?

Well what I believe totally depends on me, so in this case I believe what he has told me a few days ago. That he loves me, that he cares for me, that I'm everything to him.

I'm going back to bed now.

Tears are still freely falling from my eyes. I don't know why I'm still crying, I know that this can't be true, but why am I still crying?

I'm going to sleep now. And when I wake up, I'll know that this is just a dream ...

A very bad dream.

_In the late of night  
Just before I closed my eyes  
I cried  
As you kissed my lips good-bye_

TBC

What do you think? shall I continue??


	2. Officially missing you

Disclaimer: CSI and the song are both not mine

Spoilers: none

a/n: thanks for the reviews! sorry if this took long! please tell me what you think. And I hope you like it! The song used here is 'Officially missing you' by Tamia. Catherine's POV

Chapter two: Officially missing you

_All I hear is raindrops_

_Falling on the rooftop_

_Oh baby tell me why'd you have to go_

Until now I still have no idea why he left. It's been a month now since he has gone. I have been denying it for a month too.

On the first week, I've been waiting eagerly and patiently on my front porch for a glimpse of his car.

He never came by, so the second week I just kept on waiting for him at the lab.

The third week I decided not to look for him and that maybe he'll just show up and that he's just really very busy...

On the fourth week I started coming by his house, knocking on the door and waiting for his return and thinking that he is probably out doing his errands and that I'll just talk to him later and so I go home and stare on my phone.

And now, well I've accepted that the reason I'm giving out the assignments is not because he's late but because he's not coming.

I've also accepted that the reason why I never used my spare key to his house is because I know that once I open that door I won't like what I would see ... or rather what I wouldn't.

_Cause this pain I feel_

_It won't go away_

_And today I'm officially missing you_

I'm now working inside his office, everywhere I look I see him, every time I close my eyes I see him. I see him and I start imagining things ... remembering things.

I just had a very hard, difficult, and stressful and have I said HARD?

When I'm tired he would give me a back rub then he would tell me to go home and rest but I wouldn't go until I finish my work, then we would just keep on arguing and in the end he wins.

How?

How else but with the help of his boyish sweet charm. I just couldn't resist him when he uses the words, please and sweetheart at the same sentence, especially when that line is accompanied with puppy dog eyes and a really cute pout.

And of course the promise of him coming with me or following after an hour is of big help too.

Oh jeez, Catherine stop it! This would definitely not make you feel any better!

_I thought that from this heartache_

_I could escape_

_But I fronted long enough to know_

_There ain't no way_

_And today_

_I'm officially missing you_

Denying that he has ever left and said goodbye was so much easier than this.

And so today, its official, I'm officially missing him.

I hate it that I miss him, coz missing him is accepting that he really is gone, but what can I do?

Sooner or later I would have to face what's real.

And this is what's real.

I'm here and he's not.

I'm worried about him, what could have happened? Why has he not called me yet?

But then again why would he call the reason he left. Though he did not say it I know I'm the reason. Why? I don't know for sure.

As long as I'm concerned, I have given him everything and if that's not enough ... then I'm sorry but that's all I could give, that's all that I have.

A few months before he left he's been acting weird, he's always been having a migraine, he's always annoyed ... but still, he never let a day pass without reminding me that he loves me, whether it be through words or through a touch of affection.

A week before he left, he was starting to avoid me, I'm not sure why, I tried to ask him but he just wouldn't give in. I have decided to just be there and wait for him till he's ready, I knew it must be something serious but it never occurred to me that it's as serious as this.

Up to now I still don't know what he was keeping from me, but something inside me tells me that he leaving has a very big connection to that week.

Or maybe ... maybe ... that week ... that week wasn't that big of a factor on why he left, maybe that week .... That week was the week he's been thinking about leaving me.

It's so hard to think that I could be the reason on why he left. That for that week he has probably been thinking about leaving me.

_Oh can't nobody do it like you_

_Said every little thing you do_

_Hey baby say it stays on my mind_

_And I, I'm officially missing you_

I doubt that he's ever going to call, after all why would he call the person he want to run from?

He probably just wants a new life, a life without me ... he probably found it hard to find a way to tell me. That is so like him.

But the Gil that I know, he doesn't just run from his responsibilities .... But maybe this is my fault. I have thought him that we should do the things which we think can make us happy ... and that's maybe why he went away, coz he wants to be happy.

He wants to be happy coz he's not happy here anymore.

Not happy here....

Not happy with me.

_All I do is lay around_

_Two ears full tears_

_From looking at your face on the wall_

_Just a week ago you were my baby_

_Now I don't even know you at all_

_I don't know you at all_

I doubt that he even thinks about me

I doubt that he wants to see me

I doubt that my name makes him smile

I doubt that he'd come back...

I doubt that he'd come back for me.

_Well I wish that you would call me right now_

_So that I could get through to you somehow_

_But I guess it's safe to say baby safe to say_

_That I'm officially missing you_

Here I am still staring on the phone. I want to hear it ring, and when it rings I want to hear his voice on the other line. He's voice telling me that he's alright.

Of course I also want to hear from him that he still loves me .... And that he'll be back but most of all what I want to hear from him right now is for him to tell me that he's okay, that he's fine and that there is no need for me to worry.

I need to know where he is, I couldn't go on like this.

"Cath"

I glance up and I saw Warrick with a sad and worried look on his face.

"You still waiting for him?" he asked as he walked towards me. I shook my head as I close my eyes trying to thwart the tear trying to get out.

_Oh can't nobody do it like you_

_Said every little thing you do_

_Hey baby say it stays on my mind_

_And I, I'm officially_

Through the whole month he has seen me undergo through my denial stage. Every night right after I give them the assignments, I sigh and I talk out loud cursing Gil for being late, then he looks at me as if trying to wake me up but he didn't want to rub it on my face so he just pats my back.

There was this one time when I over heard Nick and Sara talking, and based on what I heard, they were told that Gil is on some kind of seminar. I'm not sure how Warrick learned about the truth; I doubt that Gil told him.

"What are you doing then?"

"I'm facing reality"

A heavy sigh is the response I got.

"Warrick, how did you know?"

"I don't know anything. All I know is that something is terribly wrong with you, and the only person I know who could have caused that is him... it's really easy putting it together. And come on, if he's in seminar why would you be waiting for him at the beginning and end of shift? Usually when he's not around you'll be on your phone talking with him every chance you have. Like say, right now, you know instead of moping."

"That's a really good point"

"Are you ready to talk now?"

I shook my head again, I have just accepted it now I can't talk about it yet.

And besides, I'm not even sure what to talk about. I don't understand any thing. I'm confused of everything that's happening.

But something inside me tells me that it's better this way, that I'm confused ... that I know nothing, but why can't I stop asking why?

_Well I thought I could just get over you baby_

_But I see that's something I just can't do_

_From the way you would hold me_

_To the sweet things you told me_

_I just can't find a way_

_To let go of you_

"Warrick, I'm heading home"

"Want me to take you home?"

"No thanks, I really want to be alone for a while"

Alone. I want to be alone. If I really want to be alone why am I missing Gil?

You see, all of a sudden such a small line and a small word seems to mean so much and causes too much confusion and irony on my part.

Maybe that's all Gil just wanted, maybe he wants to be alone.

Maybe somewhere along the way when I thought everything is perfect, it's not perfect for him. It's not good for him.

Man, I should really stop thinking on why he left. This is useless... solving any case is easier than this. I have neither clues nor evidence to support any of my theories or suspicions. He left me with nothing except questions.

_Oh can't nobody do it like you_

_Said every little thing you do_

_Hey baby say it stays on my mind_

_And I, I'm officially_

We have waited for too many years for us to give in to the feeling that we have for each other, those two years were magical ... a dream come true ... and it just has to end.

Why did he put a stop on it?

Why did he put a stop on our love?

Why did he put a stop on my life?

_It official_

_You know that I'm missing you_

_Yeah yes_

_All I hear is raindrops_

_And I'm officially missing you_

TBC


	3. I don't want to

(diclaimer, etc.. see prev chap)

a/n: song used here is 'I don' t want to' by Toni Braxton. Hope you'll like it! Cath's POV

Chapter three: I don't want to

_I really don't feel like talking on the phone  
and I really don't feel like company at home  
lately I don't want to do the things I used to do  
Baby since I lost you_

I found myself staring outside the window again. Again I'm staring outside and wish that I would see a glimpse of him. To the every second that passes by that my wish has not been granted a tear rolls down my eyes.

And yes, you could definitely say that I'm about to drown with the amount of tears that I've already managed to cry out.

But what can I do, lately it has become my hobby ... or rather my routine.

I go to work, I try to concentrate but I can't. I go home frustrated that I have not finished anything at work, I take my daughter to school, then I go back home, I take a shower I crawl to bed and end up crying with the memories of the times I've spent with him in the very same bed.

So I go sit by the window, then I anticipate for him to show, then reality hits back and I start to cry. Then I fall asleep crying, then I wake up thanks to the alarm clock, I go take a bath sobbing.

_And I don't want to sing another love song babe  
I don't want to hum another melody  
I don't' want to live my life without you babe yeah  
It's driving me crazy (crazy)_

My phone is ringing again, probably for the hundredth time. I don't want to answer it, I know who it is, its Warrick. And I don't want to talk to him, not now.

All I want is to be alone. I couldn't even spend that much time with my daughter. Well, maybe I could but I wouldn't. I don't want her to see me like this. I love my daughter and I enjoy every minute spent with her, but every time we talk she wouldn't stop asking me about him.

Her 'Dad'

Why did she have to call her that?

Why did he have to commit himself this much to my daughter?

Why did we have to be such a family?

Why did he have to leave?

It's really hard for me to do anything. Even before we had a romantic relationship, he and I were very good friends, we do everything together and now all of a sudden he's gone. It is only now that I realize how dependent I have become on him.

I don't want to do anything that would remind me of him ....

Basically, that would mean I can't do anything at all

But when I do nothing, I would just think about him.

So you see either ways, I would always end up thinking about him and that would lead only to one thing .... crying.

Oh but wait, when I do nothing I could always think of something else .... but .... Oh man! I would still end up thinking about him.

I know! Why don't I just stop on breathing?!

Oh jeez, Catherine, you are nuts! A pathetic, obsessed, foolish martyr!

Why don't I just sleep? Oh yea, I couldn't, coz I can't stop thinking of him. And even if I fall asleep, my dreams would be of him and that's the reason why I'm sobbing every time I take the a bath coz happenings from my dream is coming back to me.

I know I look like some pathetic fool

I know you think of me to be so pathetic

I know that coz even I pity myself

I know that coz if I were on your shoes I would see a woman who acts like this to be weak and pathetic, but what if you are the one on my shoes?

What if the man who fulfilled all your fantasies and hopes, the man whom you saw forever with, the man who promised you every thing, the man who gave you everything .... Would come by your house, say good-bye and sped off.

You may tell me that you'll get over it.

That you'll think that it's their lost not yours.

But all those are the things that you could only say, things that your mind decides about. Trust me, once you experience it, it would be a whole new different story.

It's so easy to give advice to people, to analyze situations, to say: If that happens to me I would do this and that. But all those are just the things you think you would do, but have you ever thought of the kind of feelings you'll be dealing with at those points?

_I really don't feel like smiling anymore  
And I haven't had the peace to sleep at all  
Ever since you went away, baby my whole life has changed  
I don't want to love and I don't want to live_

I feel a little bit of anger.

Why did he left just like that?

I feel a lot of worry.

Where is he? Is he alright? How is he doing?

I feel betrayed.

One minute he's saying I love you the next he's bidding me good-bye.

And most of all .... I'm confused.

_And I don't want to sing another love song babe  
I don't want to hum another melody  
I dont' want to live my life without you babe yeah  
It's driving me crazy (crazy)_

No I cannot say that I feel hurt, and that my heart is shattered into a million pieces, coz all I feel right now is not concentrated on him leaving me but to the reason of his departure.

I am not so sure of what to feel actually, but hey feelings are feelings ... emotions are emotions .... Honestly, who could really understand it?

I've been this disturbed ever since I accepted the fact that he has left. But come on, we all go through rocky points on our life, it just so happens that mine just happens to be the rockier and longer one.

_I don't wanna laugh, I don't wanna play  
I don't wanna talk, I don't have nothing to say  
I don't want to tour, forget the show how can I go on  
Now that you're gone_

When is the last time I ate?

I can't even remember. Maybe I did eat; I'm just too preoccupied to savor its scrumptiousness and that's the reason why I couldn't remember.

Or maybe, I haven't really eaten. I wouldn't be surprised, I have lost interest on everything, and the only thing that keeps me moving is the sight of my daughter. And she's not here now, she's at school, and she'll be spending the weekend with my sister.

Guess what that means ....

It means more contemplating and crying time for me.

If I'm not hurt, okay let me rephrase that, I am hurt but only a little coz I feel a lot of other more intense emotions right now, but why am I crying?

Hmm..

Oh I know! Coz I miss him. And coz I want to live again but can't coz I don't know how to live without him. Coz I feel sorry for myself and I hate that feeling. Coz I have lost control over me, confusion and longing has successfully taken over my life.

And coz I don't want to be pathetic

I don't want to mourn

I don't want to worry

All I want is for him to be back.

I don't want to think

I don't want to feel

I don't want to live

But I want to hope.

_And I don't want to sing another love song babe  
I don't want to hum another melody  
I dont' want to live my life without you babe yeah  
It's driving me crazy (crazy)_

TBC


	4. I don't want to know

Disclaimer: CSI and the song are both not mine!

Spoilers: none

A/N: Thanks for all the reviews! here is chap 4 in cath's POV and I used the song 'I don't want to know' by P. Diddy

Chapter four: I don't want to know

_Somebody said they saw you  
the person you were kissing wasn't me  
and i would never ask you  
i just kept it to myself_

I have just entered the break room and already Sara's on a rush to get out. I don't really know what I could have done to her. As far as I know we have already settled our issues long ago, but ever since she came back from her seminar in Chicago – one week ago, she's been avoiding me.

She has been acting uneasy when I'm around.

I really don't understand her. But then again, when have I ever learn to understand Sara!

Well one week ago, while Sara was out on a seminar to have some new knowledge, I too learned some things .... Or rather realized.

Over the weekend while Lindsey was at my sisters I really had a lot of time to think and sort my thoughts out. And when I checked my list of priorities I realized that my top priority is my daughter, so why would I take the chance of loosing my daughter just because the man of my life left me just like that.

So, being a mother comes first being a lover comes second.

Being a lover second. Why do I feel something is wrong with that?

Oh yeah! I don't have a lover .... Okay so let me correct that last statement ....

Being a mother comes first being a pathetic woman mourning over the lost of the man who promised her love and forever but said goodbye without any further explanations comes second.

There! Just the right thing to say!

And so little by little I'm starting to handle things better.

_I don't wanna know  
if your playin me  
keep it on the low  
cuz my heart cant take it anymore  
and if your creepin  
please dont let it show  
oh baby i dont wanna know_

And now I have finished my work and I'll be putting all these back to the office. Yes, that's right, I do the paperwork here in the break room, working inside that office is not of any help on keeping my mind straight.

And now that I'm done with everything, let me see .... Paper works done ... will you believe that?? My paper works are done!! Anyways, back to checking my stuff .... Hmm, everything's done, well maybe I'll just go check out the kids then.

Wonder where they are. Oh, there's Greg ....

"Hey Greg! Have you seen Warrick?"

"Yea he's in the lay-out room Sara"

"Okay thanks."

Arriving to my destination, I found the room closed, I am about to open the door then I heard Sara yelled, "I can't do this anymore!!"

"Sara are you sure?" I heard Warrick asked in his suspicious tone

"I asked him about it, he admitted"

"Oh Jeez!"

"It's just. It's not like him"

"Whether it's like him or not he still has no right to do it!"

"I am not saying he has the right."

Warrick and Sara's voice are both starting to rise; I think it's time for me to intervene before anything else happens....

"Oh damn, I can't believe Grissom could do this"

And as I heard his name spoken by Warrick, I froze to my position. They are talking about him ... what are they saying? Why are their voices rising as they talk about him?

_i think about it  
and i hoped you  
when lookin in your eyes  
i cant believe  
i dont need to know the truth  
baby keep it to yourself_

I am now getting my stuff out the locker, I'm heading home now. I didn't bother to hear the rest of Sara and Warrick's conversation. When I heard the mention of his name, I just didn't know how to react, so I left. I don't know what it is, but something in me says I wouldn't like what I would hear from their talk.

"Cath"

I glance up and see Warrick standing by the doorway of the locker room. "Hey" Warrick walked nearer to me, then he sat beside me, he looked at me then he sighed. He's about to tell me something big, I can feel it.

"It's about Grissom"

With this I look down at the floor. It's been more than a month since I last saw him, it's been just a week since I started to have a life again...

"Um. Do you still think about him?"

With this question I look back at him, what the hell kind of question is that?

"Of course I do"

"do you still love him?"

I don't really like this kind of talks, it makes me think and reflect and cry. Those three things I've been doing for sometime now and I'm tired of always doing it and now he comes in here and remind me of it.

_I don't wanna know  
if your playin me  
keep it on the low  
cuz my heart cant take it anymore  
and if your creepin  
please dont let it show  
oh baby i dont wanna know_

"Warrick I really don't like where this is heading"

"Why where do you think this is heading?"

"It's heading to a talk about my feelings for him and damn it I can't deal with it anymore!"

Warrick apologized to me for bringing up the topic, he left me in the locker room and it is obvious from his features that he just had a major decision change when I spoke my last statement.

And now I am headed to the parking lot to get my car...

"Catherine!"

As I glance to my back I saw Sara running towards me.

"What's up?"

"It's about Grissom"

"Sara - -"

"I know where he is."

She knows where he is?! How did she know where he is?

"Where?"

"I literally bumped into him when I was in Chicago"

"And you're telling me this only now because...?"

"Catherine. Um."

Sara's hiding something from me ... there's more to this than that.

"Cath. Um. Well. I just didn't want to get involved"

That line sounds so familiar to me .....

So I just nod and thanked her then I left.

_Baby taught you better than this  
Baby i want to fall asleep  
But your showin all those things  
that you used to do to me  
if your better off that way  
baby all that i can say  
go and do your thing  
and stay away from me_

And now I'm here inside my car thinking whether he really is in Chicago or not. I wasn't able to ask Sara how he is or what happened to him, when I heard from her where he is, I just blacked out. I didn't know how to react ... and up until now, I still don't know how to react or to what I should think. 

Questions are again coming back to me.

But this time the numerous number of questions I had just doubled.

And why the hell is it that Sara's only telling me this now?

I know she's hiding something, and I know she's having a hard time ... I don't want her to be this involve to this, this concerns only me and him ...

But what if there are more people involve here than just me and him?

_I dont really know your where-abouts  
or how you movin  
but I know  
when your in the house  
and when your cruisin  
its been proven  
my love you been abusin'_

'I just didn't want to get involve' that's the same line Gil told me when I asked him why he did not tell me Eddie's cheating on me.

Gil and Sara are so much a like. Sara's becoming the younger female version of Gil ... and well ... I can't help but think that maybe .. maybe he's, he's ....

He's cheating on me.

No! No! No! No! No! That can't be. That's not like Gil. That is not anywhere near who Gil is.

Wait a minute... that's what Sara said back at the lay out room ... it isn't like Gil

Oh damn! No!

_I can't understand how a man got you choosin  
undecided I came improvided  
my undivided  
you came and denied it  
dont even try it  
I know when your lyin  
dont even do that  
I know why your cryin  
im not applying any pressure_

It took me two whole days, but at last I have finally decided.

I have left Lindsey to my sister,.

It's time for me to settle this once and for all.

"CALLING ALL PASSENGERS ON FLIGHT 301 TO CHICAGO"

Well ... that's me; guess my plane's leaving earlier than I thought.

"CALLING ALL PASSENGERS TO CHICAGO ... CALLING ALL PASSENGERS TO CHICAGO"

_I just want to let you know  
that I dont want to let you go  
and I dont want to let you leave  
you cant say I didnt let you breathe gave you extra cheese  
put you in the SUV  
you wanted ice  
so I made you freeze_

TBC


	5. How could an angel break my heart?

Disclaimer: CSI and the song are both not mine!

Spoilers: none

A/N: the song used here is 'How could an angel break my heart' another great song by toni braxton. please tell me what you think!

Chapter five: How could an angel break my heart?

_I heard he sang a lullaby_

_I heard he sang it from his heart_

I'm so tired already! The second I got off the plane I checked in all my stuff into the hotel ...

Where the hell is he!?! It's Sunday, and he has no work here, where could he be? Well anyway since he isn't here and I'm already starving I'm just going to grab some food and just come back here later.

_When I found out thought I would die_

_Because that lullaby was mine_

I'm currently here inside the restaurant waiting for my chair. I'm alone and I should have just gone to a food chain and got a burger, but I'm really starving and tired so a little pampering in this nice restaurant wouldn't hurt.

Hmm... that guy there ... he looks a little like Gil.

Oh god it is him.

No, no, no ... that can't be him. Gil would never go out on a nice restaurant with a beautiful, sexy woman unless it's me.

Would he?

I am positive it's him; I know what he looks like even just by the strand of his hair ... maybe she's a friend... I'm going over there to say hi to the woman and a kiss to Gil, I miss him so much and I'm sure he misses me to ... right? Well I hope so.

_I heard he sealed it with a kiss_

_He gently kissed her cherry lips_

I'm standing dead to my tracks. I can't move my feet, I can't see anything all I can see is him ... and his lips ... his lips brushing into that woman's lips ... to another woman's lips. He's touching her face, and she's touching his ... I can't take this.

Oh god! That can't be him! That isn't him ... no that wasn't him.

Catherine! God damn it! Stop fooling yourself!

He was smiling at her the whole time ... I saw him, as he slowly leaned over to her ... when he brushed his lips on hers ... I watched him carefully caressed that woman's face.. my eyes can't lie... or maybe I'm just tired and imagining things.

_I found that so hard to believe_

_Because his kiss belonged to me_

I'm now back at the hotel, how I got here? That I don't know. But I'm here and I'm crying again.

My tears are freely falling, I'm trying to stop it but I can't. I'm trying to stop it ... there's no reason to cry, that wasn't him ...

That wasn't him ... that wasn't him....... that wasn't him....

that wasn't him ... that wasn't him....... that wasn't him....

My mantra won't work! I'm still crying, and I'm sobbing ...

"How can you do this to me?"

I heard myself whisper.

It is him ... I'm sure it's him... what was he doing?

My mind, body and heart are all acting against my will. My body is shaking ... and sobbing.

My heart is aching ... I feel it somewhat shattered ... it's beat is going faster and faster and I can't do anything about it

My mind .. is still contemplating.

What is there to contemplate about? Why am I still having doubts ... I know it's him, but why won't I believe my own eyes?

That's why he left.

That's why he never called.

That's why Sara had a hard time telling me ... she knew.

_How could an angel break my heart_

_Why didn't he catch my falling star_

_I wish I didn't wish so hard_

_Maybe I wished our love apart_

_How could an angel break my heart_

I tried so hard for this relationship. I gave everything... I hoped for everything ... but I guess I should have never.

I shouldn't have given all. I shouldn't have expected, I shouldn't have wanted, I shouldn't have hoped, I shouldn't have prayed, I shouldn't have believed ... but most of all ...I shouldn't have come here.

Then maybe I'll be at home and I'm not crying.

Then maybe I'll be with my daughter and I won't feel like my world is collapsing

Then maybe I won't be alone in this agony

Then maybe my heart wouldn't be aching this much

Then maybe I could somehow control my tears

But then maybe if I never came here, I'll still be a pathetic fool hoping and waiting for his arrival while he kisses another woman.

God Gil! How can you do this! Why did you do this?!

Wasn't I enough? I tried. Believe me I tried ...

I gave you all ... all that I have and more than what I can really offer ... but why is it that none of it is enough?

Why were you kissing her? Why did you decided to kiss her when I was few steps from you? Why did you have to do it in public? Why did you have to do it in front of me? Why did you have to do it?

Why did you want to do it?

He was smiling the whole time, as if he didn't care whether who sees it ....

And unfortunately .... I had to be the one to see it.

_I heard her face was white as rain_

_Soft as a rose that blooms in May_

_He keeps her picture in a frame_

_And when he sleeps he calls her name_

She's beautiful. And probably a lot more beautiful than I am, in his eyes.

Sometime ago, when he sleeps beside me, I can hear him murmur my name in his sleep now ... now I doubt it is me he calls. It's not my face he sees when he closes his eyes anymore.

When he opens his eyes he most definitely is not seeing me .. instead he will be staring into those green eyes. It's not my blonde hair he'd smelling lying beside him ... it's probably that copper colored hair.

He never felt my presence... He was too engrossed with hers. He never felt me standing a few steps away from him ... he never even cared ... but me, I flew all the way here just to see him. I wanted to see him, but not like this, not with another woman.

Oh god what has he done! What have I done!

Where did I go wrong?

Was it wrong to believe that he's the man I am destined to be with? To believe that he loves me as I love him?

Was it wrong to give everything? Was it wrong to hope for forever? Was it wrong to love him? Is it wrong to love?

Am I really suppose to hurt this much?

What am I doing asking myself all this questions when I know what the answer is. And it's a YES. I was wrong ... but how could he do this? He told me he loved me, and I know he does ... but what happened?

_I wonder if she makes him smile_

_The wasy he used to smile at me_

_I hope she doesn't make him laugh_

_Because his laugh belongs to me_

He looked happy ... I don't want him to be happy. No, not with her. I'm the one who makes him happy, he told me that, doesn't he remember? I may sound selfish, but that's what he told me ... he told me he'd never be happy without me.

I'm the light of his life. I give him hope, and joy and love. I complete him; he can't go on in this life without me ..... Doesn't he remember?

He told me that for numerous times ... he whispered words of thanks and love in my ears ... doesn't he remember?

I'm hoping for his return, doesn't he know?

I'm waiting for him .... And until now, I'm still waiting for him, doesn't he know?

I'm here ... I'm still here ... doesn't he remember?

I love him ... I love him very much, doesn't he remember?

I can feel great pain and hurt ... no not just in the heart .... The whole of me is hurting.

My heart is not breaking ... it's already broken. It's broken into a million pieces.

I can't take this, I can't deal with this.

He's coming back. Yes, he will. Please God, tell me he will.

I'll be waiting for him ...

I'm going to wait for him .... As long as my body can tolerate,

As long as my heart can bear,

As long as my soul can endure.

As long as I can help stop my mind from listening to logic and reason,

As long as I can hope,

As long as I can make my eyes not to see what's real.

As long as I can.

I'm gonna wait ... but please ... please help me.

Gil .... Please .....

_Oh my soul is dying, it's crying_

_I'm trying to understand_

_Please help me_

TBC


	6. All at once

Disclaimer: CSI and the song are both not mine

Spoilers: none

A/N: Thanks for the reviews! the song used here is 'All at once' by Whitney Houston, hope you'll like it!

Chapter six: All at once

_All at once  
I finally took a moment  
And I'm realizing that  
You're not coming back_

I'm now here standing face to face with Gil. It took me days to get enough courage to face him, and now I'm here. I'm here to reassure myself that he still loves me.

I'm here to confirm his love and loyalty to me.

I'm here to let him clarify and correct me... that it was not him whom I saw at that restaurant a couple of days ago.

"Gil – "

"I'm sorry Catherine; I have a new life now"

"What. What, are you saying?"

"I have someone else"

And I look deep into his eyes, but he looks the other way. He doesn't want to look at me, he doesn't want me to see his eyes, he doesn't want to see my eyes... maybe he's afraid to see the hurt in it, or maybe he doesn't want to feel guilty. Either way, he has made it clear ... he doesn't want me anymore.

So I start walking away, not bothering to look back, I'm afraid that the other woman is already standing beside him... I don't want to see it.

I want to be alone ... just alone ... always alone.

_And it's finally hit me all at once  
All at once I've started counting teardrops  
And at least a million fell  
My eyes began to swell_

When he left I denied everything for so long. When I came here to find him, and I saw him with that other woman, I denied again, but this time there's no denying it. He said it straight to my face.

I can feel myself trembling, and my knees are starting weaken. And today, instead of him, it is this door of my hotel room that I'm leaning on.

My tears are falling and are freely streaming down my face. I'm crying again, what's new? Oh yeah, I know, this time after I cry I can't hope anymore. I can't dream anymore. I can't deny it anymore.

He said it to me like I meant nothing to him, like I was some kind of dirt which came across and he's now wiping away.

I should have seen this coming ... but how could I? All along we were fine until the last few days, and this makes me wonder ... since when had he felt something for someone.

Did it start when we were together? Or did he just meet her here?

Who am I kidding, they should have started while we were together, that's maybe why he left ... no not maybe .. surely. That is surely why he left.

All this time he has been making a fool out of me and yet I can't stop from crying.

_And all my dreams were shattered all at once  
Ever since I met you  
You're the only love I've known  
And I can't forget you  
Though I must face it all alone_

"I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I --- I – I hate....I hate you"

I'm finding it hard to speak, I don't have enough energy to talk, yet evidently I have enough to keep on crying.

How will I face this? I know I'm gonna have to, and I'll be doing it on my own, but how?

How will I ever forget him... I'm not yet ready to forget him now; though I feel like I want to and at the same time I don't, I know that eventually I will have to, but how?

I've built a vision of my future here in my mind and each and every single one of it, he plays a big part, either that or he plays all the parts in it .... And now please tell me how am I to bring all this dreams to reality if he won't be a part of it.

In the blue print of life, of my past .. present ... and future, he managed to be included in the plan, now how am I supposed to erase it? To erase him?

_All at once I'm drifting on a lonely sea  
Wishing you'd come back to me_

I wish he'd knock on my door to apologize and take me back to him, but I know that this is just a wish. I am facing what's real now, I've been denying on everything, and today I am obliged to face the real thing coz it was all thrown to my face, with very clear evidence. He said it himself, how else could I think otherwise?

I wish he'd come back ... and I know he won't. I should have not come here, I should have stayed home.

Yes, maybe I'll be a pathetic and stupid lover but I'll be a pathetic and stupid lover with hope not like this ....

_And that's all that matters now  
All at once I'm drifting on a lonely sea  
Holding on to memories  
And it's hurt me more than you know  
So much more than it shows_

Hell he just had to say it all at once without bothering to give an explanation first. Probably it would have been a little more polite if he started with some kind of an excuse or an explanation, but no! He told me just like that, and it's not like I would be waiting for some kind of an explanation after he said it!

The second I heard those words I felt my world collapsing ... I seem to be getting that feeling often, the only difference is, before I was able to hold it up, now .... Now I wasn't able to do anything, I can't do anything ....

_All at once_

_I looked around and found that you were  
With another love  
In someone else's arms  
And all my dreams were shattered all at once_

Just like a flash all my dreams are shattered, all my hopes are gone and the love which I held so preciously is shattered into a million pieces.

Never did it once occur to me that he is anything like my ex husband, I guess I was wrong.

How could he have fallen with someone else when he told me that he has never and will never love any woman other than me?

It was his own words that promised me forever and built my dreams up high and it's also his words that shattered my dreams and is making me drown in my own tears.

_All at once the smile that used to greet me  
Brightened someone else's day  
She took your smile away  
And left me with just memories all at once_

I honestly thought he would be glad to see me... guess I was wrong again. But hey maybe he is glad to see me... glad that he finally got the chance to say it to my face and break my heart.

All that I used to have is now gone forever. There's no one too hold me up when I'm down, there's no one to make me laugh, there's no one to share my sad and happy days, there's no one ... there's no one.

All of it is all going to be memories. Memories that will break my heart every time... memories that will remind me, that somewhere in this world there is someone who shares the same thoughts and feelings I once had, the difference is ... she won't have it as memories...

Unlike me, it won't bring her pain, it will give her joy... it will give her happiness ... it will give her love, coz she has him now, while I face this all alone... all at once.

_Ever since I met you  
You're the only love I've known  
And I can't forget you  
Though I must face it all alone_

TBC


	7. She's out of my life

Disclaimer: CSI and the song are both not mine

Spoiler: none

A/N: the song used here is She's out of my life by Josh Groban. Now it's time to hear Grissom's side of the story...

Chapter seven: She's out of my life

_She's Out Of My Life_

_She's Out Of My Life  
And I Don't Know Whether To Laugh Or Cry_

I just told her that I have someone else. When I saw her never did I dare to look into her eyes, most especially when I made this revelation, I don't want to see the hurt I have caused her, moreover I don't want her to see the truth in my eyes. She's very good at that, she looks into my eyes and she could instantly read my mind and feel what I feel, and I don't need that right now, I don't want that right now.

I have now erased her in my life. Physically speaking of course, never would I be able to live without her, but I can only live with her in my thoughts.

For a while now I've been planning of this day, of getting her out of my life .... At least in her point of view, so I think I should rephrase that, not her out of my life, rather me out of hers. And now that my plan has been done, I don't know if I should be glad or should I mourn for my bleeding heart?

_I Don't Know Whether To Live Or Die  
And It Cuts Like A Knife  
She's Out Of My Life_

When I close my eyes, I could see her smile and I know that sometime in my life I was the cause of that smile .... Then I see her cry, and it pains me to know that I am the one who has inflicted that pain to her.

I do not know what I should do, but what I know is, this is my choice, I choose to let her go and hurt her, I choose to let her know of someone else, I choose for her to hate me .... I choose for me to live my life knowing that the one I truly love hates me.

_It's Out Of My Hands  
It's Out Of My Hands  
To Think For Two Years She Was Here  
And I Took Her For Granted I Was So Cavalier  
Now The Way That It Stands  
She's Out Of My Hands_

It took us ages to be together, we've loved each other for almost two decades but we loved each other secretly. And at last two years ago, I had the courage to tell her the truth of my feelings for her, and now here I am hating myself for causing her pain.

But what can I do? It was my choice, and if God will give me another chance I would still have done the same thing. I would still run away, I would run here to Chicago and never come back and if ever she does the same thing as she did now and come here to see me, I would still tell her that I have some one else, I would still inflict such pain to her that I know would make her hate the sound of my name, but it is my choice.

If I have control over everything I would have change it, but I do not, all I have are choices for the things that come my way and now I choose to pain her, though I know that paining her causes my heart to feel that pain in a double.

It's always been like that, when she's happy, I'm happier coz she's happy, and when she's in pain ... well, double that and that's what I feel. So now, I know that what I did was wrong, wrong to her eyes, wrong to other people's view, even to me it is wrong ... but it is fair. And in this point of my life, doing what's right hardly makes sense anymore, doing the fair thing is more justified for me. I've been doing the right thing all my life, and look what it has gotten me into.

_So I've Learned That Love's Not Possession  
And I've Learned That Love Won't Wait  
Now I've Learned That Love Needs Expression  
But I Learned Too Late_

When you love some one you let them go.

It sounds so silly yet so true. It hurts so much but that's what's fair ... no, not for you, but for the one you love.

Looking back now, for all those moments we could have shared together .... Well, I could never experience those anymore. If only I have told her of what I really feel earlier, if only I showed it to her instead of glancing and dreaming of her like an idiot, then maybe now I will have more memories here with me ... more than that of the two years.

Two years of my life .... Two years, and yet I feel those two years were the only years and time I really felt how it is to live. Every second of those years I felt like I'm in heaven, but those great days are over.

And now I have to pay the price.

_She's Out Of My Life  
She's Out Of My Life  
Damned Indecision And Cursed Pride_

Maybe I should have just told her and didn't leave Vegas.

Who am I kidding? That's being selfish of me.

I would rather live my life knowing she hates me and let her be happy and live her own life than to be with her and let her know of the truth.

It may seem that my reason is of pure pride and for the sake of my manly ego but no it is not.

I would never want to spend my life watching her cry, I'd rather let her cry now and hate me forever than make her mourn all her life.

_Kept My Love For Her Locked Deep Inside  
And It Cuts Like A Knife  
She's Out Of My Life_

TBC

A/N: I'm sorry if I made you guys a little confused! but I won't be revealing the truth just yet... hehehe


	8. Till my heartaches end

Disclaimer: CSI and the song are both not mine

Spoilers: none

A/N: thanks for the feedbacks! sorry for the confusion I'm causing.. hehe. Anyways, the song used here is 'Till my heartaches end' by Regine Velasquez. Cath's POV

Chapter eight: Till my heartaches end

_I recall when you said that you would never leave me_

He has told me long ago that he would always be there for me.

When we were just friends, he need not to use any words for me to know he'll always be there for me, he showed me that he's always there; I felt that he will always be there.

And when he confessed his love for me ... he promised me ... he promised me...

_You told me so, so much more like_

_when the time you whispered in my ear  
There was heaven in my heart  
I remember when you said that you'd be here forever_

He told me he loves me.

He told me he cares for me.

He told me he adored me

He told me I'm beautiful

He told he wants to spend his lifetime with me

He told me he'll never leave me

He told me he'd always love me ....

He said we're gonna have forever.

_Then you left without even saying that you're leaving  
I was hurt and it really won't be easy to forget yesterday  
And I prayed that you would stay  
But then you're gone and, oh, so far away_

And then he left. He left me. He left, he left just like that. With no reason – at least none that he told me about.

Did he expect me to just forget about everything once he has left without reason?

I begged. I begged for him to stay. I was in my night gown, barefoot I raced out for him. To beg for him.

I begged, but it did not work, he left. He sped off ... it rained and I was left all alone. And after a month later I learned from Sara about his location.

I went there, in search for him, but I never expected to find what I found. I never expected to find him with some one else.

I expected to see him safe.

I wanted to see him well.

But, no, not like that, not like that.

_I was afraid this time would come  
I wasn't prepared to face this kind of hurting from within  
I have learned to live my life beside you_

This is what I feared. From the very beginning I was so afraid to let him know of my feelings coz I didn't want to loose our friendship.

When we became lovers my fear of loosing him increased. But he assured me that it will never happen and look at me now.

I was afraid this time will come; I don't think I can make it.

I've been accustomed to the fact of living every single day of my life with him, how am I suppose to live now?

I am not ready for this. I can't do this.

And again I can feel my tears running down from my eyes.

And as I open the door to my bedroom and drop my suitcase down the floor, I can't help but stare to this lonely room. This is what I've been so afraid. To go home and be alone.

It's so quiet, the silence in my room is deafening. All I hear are sobs. My sobs.

Gladly, Lindsey is still at my sisters, she won't be home till tomorrow, and hopefully, tomorrow I would have enough the confidence to see my daughter knowing that I won't look distraught.

But tonight. Tonight, I am alone in this house of mine, I'm alone with the memories of him and this hurt that I feel.

So what else should I do but entertain it.

_Maybe I'll just dream of you tonight  
And if into my dreams you'd come  
And touch me once again  
I'll just keep on dreamin' till my heartaches end_

And now I lay awake in my bed. And I'm crying again. Every time I close my eyes I see him.

I see him.

I close my eyes again, and I hug myself, I hug myself and I try to imitate his touch. I try to remember how it feels to be touched by him.

As I hug myself, I can hear my sobs getting louder, I can't seem to be able to imitate it.

And in my failure to doing so I am forced to face the reality that he is indeed not here.

He's not here coz he is embraced in the arms of some one else.

He's not here, coz he loves me no more.

I'm crying over him while he found joy of my absence.

_Then you left without even saying that you're leavin'  
I was hurt and it really won't be easy to forget yesterday  
And I prayed that you would stay  
But then you're gone and, oh, so far away  
_

When he left, he should have at least told me the truth, I wish he did not make a fool out of me.

I wish he told me, he told me before he left, then maybe I wouldn't have hoped and pained for so long. Then maybe I wouldn't have chased after him. Then maybe I wouldn't be hurt this bad.

I chased after him. I went to Chicago for him, only to find out that he is with someone else.

I prayed. Oh god, I prayed, every single day I prayed that he is safe, every single night I prayed for him to come back. I prayed and hoped and denied and loved. And now I'm hurt. I'm hurt so badly.

But there is nothing that I can do. There is nothing I can do.

_I was afraid this time would come  
I wasn't prepared to face this kind of hurting from within  
I have learned to live my life beside you_

I can do nothing and frankly I don't want to do anything. I just want to cry.

I just want this pain to be gone.

I am not ready for this. I'm not prepared. I don't know how to face this. I don't know how to get over him; I don't know if I want to get over him.

I don't know how to live without him.

I don't know how to live without him, and even if I do, I don't think I want to.

I loved him too much, too much that I feel so lost without him.

And this is what I feared most. To lost myself.

Right from the start, years ago, I was so afraid of the feeling I have for him that's why fight against it.

I love him too much. My feelings for him... were uncontrollable.

I have no control, my heart feels for him, and I can't do anything about it. And now, now that I'm in pain, I still can't do anything.

_Maybe I'll just dream of you tonight  
And if into my dreams you'd come  
And touch me once again  
I'll just keep on dreamin' till my heartaches end_

And I hate it. I hate it when things are out of my hand. I hate it when things are way above my head.

I was able to surpass a hell of a lot more terrible things. But then again .... Nothing is more terrible that this.

To another human's point of view this is just a little heart ache. Yea, right, a heart ache, a heart ache that I is killing me.

It's killing me, and yet I'm still welcoming it.

_I was afraid this time would come  
I wasn't prepared to face this kind of hurting from within  
I have learned to live my life beside you_

I know that someday, some how, I'll get through this.

And though I don't know how to face it. Though I don't know how to get through.

I will learn.

I will learn to heal

I will learn not to cry

I will learn to live again

I will learn to live my life without him.

_Maybe I'll just dream of you tonight  
And if into my dreams you'd come  
And touch me once again  
I'll just keep on dreamin' till my heartaches end_

In the mean time, I'm gonna sleep. I'm gonna sleep, and I'm gonna dream. Where in my dream he is there. He is there and he's with me, and we are happy.

This is what I'm going to do, and tomorrow when I wake up, I will wake up gladly thanks to the memories of my dream, then when night comes again, I'll sleep, I'll sleep and dream of him.

I'll dream of him until I can

I'll dream of him till I still want to

Till I need to

Till my heart aches end.

_keep on dreamin' till my heartaches end_

TBC


	9. Broken Vow

Disclaimer: CSI and the song are both not mine

Soilers: none

A/N: the song used here is 'Broken Vow' sang by Lara Fabian. This is a very beautiful song!

Chapter nine: Broken vow

_Tell me her name I want to know  
The way she looks and where you go  
I need to see her face, I need to understand  
Why you and I came to an end_

And now as I walk inside the CSI building I see memories of him .... Memories of US.

What used to be us is now me, him and her ... no, let me rephrase that, it's me and THEM.

Now I regret not eyeing the woman he was with in that restaurant meticulously. I would really want to see and remember what she looks like. I would like to be able to see every little detail of her face. That way I won't be wondering what is it that he saw with her that he didn't find with me.

I would like to understand what happened to us.

It's one thing to now why and to understand it is another.

_Tell me again I want to hear  
Who broke my faith in all these years  
Who lays with you at night when I'm here all alone  
Remembering when I was your own_

And now as I work and sit on the chair that used to be his and inside the office he used to work at, his scent, and eyes, and voice, and smile .... Everything ... everything about him ... is hunting me.

And as I glance to my side, there on the top shelf I see a cage. The cage of his favorite spider. He brought all his bugs with him, all of it, except this one. And I guess this was one of the reasons I had so much hope. Coz he left this here.

It has a really beautiful cage... of course the cage is beautiful; I was the one who bought it. Amongst all his bugs this one is the one the freaks me out the most and then you'll wonder why I bought it the most expensive cage.... Well, that's what love makes you do.

And I wonder if she does that to him. To give him and love everything about him despite everything else.

He snores. And when I say he snores... I really mean SNORE! But you know what, that snore has become music to my ears. It has become my bed time lullaby. When I hear him starting to snore I feel so secured and at peace to sleep knowing that he is there beside me, sleeping peacefully and happily.

And now I would really want to know the name of the woman who has stolen all this from me.

The woman who has taken away my music.

While I am here working all alone, there he will be, a thousand miles from me .... And is most certainly not alone.

_I'll let you go  
I'll let you fly  
Why do I keep on asking why?  
I'll let you go  
Now that I've found  
A way to keep somehow  
More than a broken vow_

I've been asking why. Why he left... then I learned why, and now I want to know.... Why he chose her.

And I just realize... I'll never really know, and even if I do, I doubt I'll understand, so I just have to accept things the way they are.

I have to move on, but first I need to understand that we are done.... But before I do that.. I have to see her, I need to know her name ... I just want to be able to know that, then I can start on healing myself.

We made a promise, we made a vow ....

Gil is a man of his words, but not this time.

Not this time.

Now I have nothing else to do but to ache and to let him be free...

Who am I kidding? He is free; I am the only one who thinks he's not. He has freed himself away from me, and there is nothing I can do about that.

I honestly never expected this to happen. I was holding on so much on my faith on him, I was holding on the promise we made, the love we shared .... And that is indeed the biggest mistake I made.

_Tell me the words I never said  
Show me the tears you never shed  
Give me the chance, that one you promised to be mine  
Or has it vanished for all time?_

I can hardly read the text on the file I'm holding for my eyes are filled with unshed tears.

And to think that he never shed a tear for me... makes this even more painful.

And now I wonder when did his love for me started to evaporate? I sensed that something was wrong, but he has always assured me he loves me, and I believed him. I believed him.

Neither words nor actions could ever show how much I feel for him, but I tried, I tried to show him. And I have always thought it was enough. And now, I just wish he gave me a chance.

A chance to correct any mistake that I may have done.

A chance to fill whatever I lacked.

A chance ....

A chance to be with him ...

A chance to live

A chance to be happy

_I'll let you go  
I'll let fly  
Why do I keep on asking why?  
I'll let you go  
Now that I've found  
A way to keep somehow  
More than a broken vow_

But I can never turn back time. There is nothing more that I can do, but to let go.

And I will let go

I will let go.

"But, not yet. Not yet."

And as I close my eyes and let myself breath. That brief moment of breathing, is like tasting life again after so long.

I will have more of it soon... as soon as I can let go, I will be able to taste and grasp life again.

I just need to...

I just need to know who she is.

I need to know the name of the woman who has taken everything from me.

That's the least I could ask for, and it is my right to know. To know her name. Her identity.

When Gil told me that he has someone else, I ran and never looked back fearing to see her there and now I want to see her. I failed to ask him for the name of the woman for I was too pained to speak or think. And now I wish I asked.

_I close my eyes  
And dream of you and I and then I realize  
There's more to love than only bitterness and lies  
I close my eyes_

_I'd give away my soul to hold you once again  
And never let this moment end_

I'm home again, and as I watch my daughter leave home for school, I know I can make it; this won't be the end of everything. I still have a daughter, the one thing that no one could take away from me.

I will now go to my room and pacify myself into the comforts of my bed.

The bed we used to share.

And when I sleep I know what waits for me. It's him. As soon as I drift to sleep, I will be with him.

I know that I said I'm going to let go. And I will.

In reality, I already am trying to start on it, and I will start on it.

But in my sleep .... In my dream .... I just can't.

After a long day of painful memories of him, I also deserve to be happy, right? Even if it's just a dream, even if I know that when I wake up it will be gone, it's okay .... At least I would have those few hours of happiness ... even if it is just made-up.

And in my dream, we kept our vow. The vow to love, to care, and to always be there.

In my dream we will always, always, keep that vow.

So at least, when I'm asleep.... When I'm asleep, the vow is kept, our vow is cherished.

_I'll let you go  
I'll let you fly  
Now that I know, I'm asking why_

I'm at work again; it's already time to give out the assignments, so I guess I better hurry up.

"Hey Boss, want to give us the assignments now?"

"I'm coming Nick"

"What's that?"

"Nothing Nick. Go ahead, I'll meet you in the break room!"

"Okay!"

I can feel a light smile forming on my face. It's a sad smile, accompanied by a single tear, but still a smile, nevertheless.

So now, I close my eyes and take pleasure on breathing.

It's Gil's high school year book which I found on what used to be HIS office book shelf.

And with one last glance to the note written on the first page .... I close it, and I smile again, a smile of contentment and sadness.... A smile that signals the beginning of my healing.

Dearest Gil,

No matter where life takes us, I will always love you.

You will always have this special place in my heart, and

I know I will also have mine in yours.

Love always,

Angela

_I'll let you go  
Now that I've found  
A way to keep somehow  
More than a broken vow_

TBC


	10. God only knows

Disclaimer: CSI and the song used - both not mine

Spoilers: none

A/N: song used here is God only knows by the beach boys. please R&R. Sorry for all the confusion, but everything will be cleared by the succeeding chaps, so stay tuned! ; )Grissom's POV.

Chapter ten: GOD ONLY KNOWS  
__

_I may not always love you  
But long as there are stars above you  
You never need to doubt it  
I'll make you so sure about it  
God only knows what I'd be without you_

Here I am sitting all alone inside this lonely apartment room staring blankly at the sky wondering how she's doing.

I told her that I have some one else and I'm sure that right now the sound of my name would trigger pain, anger and hate from her. I don't know whether to be happy about it or not, after all, that was my plan.

I love her so much. So very much, and that is why I just had to give her up.

I hate living like this, living with the knowledge that I have lied to her. She now doubts everything I've ever said, I'm sure about that, and she doubts my love for her.

And it pains me knowing that she doubts my love, the feeling which I have felt towards her since the moment I saw her to this very moment and I know that I will always love her. This feeling I have is genuine, it's true and pure and she doubts it.

I am not an emotional man, as a matter of fact I am... how should I put this... umm...private. I am very private, in her words, I am... closed off. And it's true. I try not to show any emotion and I have been trying to avoid it, but there's something about her which I just can not resist.

What am I saying? Something about her? No, it's not just because of something about her, it's because of her. I can not resist her, the whole of her. I can not resist her, because she's Catherine. My Catherine.

I know that I have no more right to call her mine, but hey I've done that before. For almost two decades I have called her mine even though we were just friends at that time. But of course, those thoughts are remained inside my head. In mind, heart and dream she's mine. And for two years, she really was, she was mine through and through, but it just had to end. It just had to end.

_If you should ever leave me  
Though life would still go on, believe me  
The world could show nothing to me  
So what good would livin' do me  
God only knows what I'd be without you_

"Hey Gil! I brought you some Chinese"

"Oh hey Angela, I didn't hear you coming."

"I can see that. You were in deep thoughts"

And I smile at her, thankful for having someone so understanding and kind. I love this woman, and she loves me too. But my love for her is not like the one I have for Cath. We love each other, but we are only friends. No, this is not like the situation I used to have with Catherine... of us loving each other but are only friends though we both secretly hope it would be more. In this case, Angela and I love each other, we've loved each other romantically before but that was years ago. After our romantic relationship we remained friends, and though we seldom talk and it has been years since we last saw each other, the foundation we've built on our friendship and the bond is still there.

And I am thankful.

I am thankful for her though deep inside me I'm hurting so much that I want to die.

_God only knows what I'd be without you_

Without Catherine I am nothing.

I should have knows right from the start that loosing her would be like suicide, but I guess I didn't have much time to think about me, all I thought about was her.

I needed for her to be okay. I love her so, and that is why I did that.

I know that right now she too is in pain, but I doubt that the pain she feels could ever outdo mine.

I know the truth. The truth that it is all my decision. I am to blame, yet I know I should not blame myself.

I never really considered the fact that I would loose all my hopes and will to live once she's gone.

I just. I just wanted her to leave me.

_If you should ever leave me  
Though life would still go on, believe me  
The world could show nothing to me  
So what good would livin' do me  
God only knows what I'd be without you_

I am still alive and breathing. I still have more days ahead of me, though I know that none of this days are worth living for.

"Earth to Gil!"

"Oh! Sorry!"

She smiles at me lightly and places her hand over mine. "It's gonna be okay"

And I nod. I want to believe her, at the same time I don't want to. It's going to be okay she says, but is it really?

She's been trying to make me see the light and hope ever since I got here, and she has been very successful in doing so, I had my hopes up but when Catherine arrive and I told her that big big lie.... Everything I believed and wanted to believe in collapsed and vanished.

I've been pretending to be okay. I've been trying to look fine when Angela's around, I've been trying to fool myself that I'll be fine, but deep inside I know I'm not, at the back of my head there's a voice whispering and telling me I have to face the truth.

And the truth is I'm in pain. And I'm not okay. And that I regret what I did at the same time I know I wouldn't have done it any other way.

Only God knows my reasons

Only he knows why he gave me this crisis, which I fear I could never surpass

Only he knows my pain

Only he knows what I am, what I am without her

What I am without her is the kind of person even I myself refuse to see because of the fear of a great disgrace towards my ownself.

_If you should ever leave me  
Though life would still go on, believe me  
The world could show nothing to me  
So what good would livin' do me_

She has left me and it is all my fault for I sent her away.

Though she is gone I am still here and I wonder when this torture will ever end.

I still have more days to struggle for. I am still alive, physically I'm alive, but my mind and heart both want to die.

I want to die.

And I will soon.

I will soon.

_God only knows what I'd be without you_

TBC


	11. I'll be over you

Disclaimer: CSI and the song are both not mine

Spoilers: none

a/n: the song used here is I'll be over you. hope you'll like it. Cath's POV

Chapter eleven: I'll be over you

_Some people live their dreams_

_Some people close their eyes_

_Some people's destiny_

_Passes by_

It has been a month and here I am still thinking about him. I learned that Angela was Gil's former girlfriend, after knowing that new information I was so sure that I could start on healing myself. And gladly, I was.

I was able to start healing... only... it's taking longer than what I thought.

As days pass by I've been feeling better and better. Warrick and I became closer if that was even possible, he has really been good friend ever since. And here I am now staring at this beautiful bouquet of flowers placed neatly on top of my office desk.

I need not to open the card that came along with it to know who it is from, I know who it is from...

It's from Warrick.

But I still decided to open the card, coz deep inside I still am wishing to see someone else's name.

To, Catherine

With love, Warrick

Isn't he sweet?

He said he's sending me these flowers to cheer me up and so that I could start my night remembering he is always there for me. I've been receiving flowers and cards more often than before, frankly it's becoming a little too often for a friend who is just trying to comfort another friend.

And I know that I should not think this way, he is my friend who happens to care for me a lot! And here I am starting to get all suspicious! God, I've really lost my mind.... And all along I thought all I lost was my heart!

_There are no guarantees_

_There are no alibis_

_That's how our love must be_

_Don't ask why_

"Nick, Sara you two have a 419, Warrick you're on a home invasion and take Greg with you. I'll be on call while doing some paperwork!"

And as I watch my team walk out the break room, I'm very sure that he would not go until he talks to me...

"Cath –"

"Warrick I'm fine!"

"Are you sure?"

"Of course I am, by the way thanks for the flowers"

"Anything for you Cath"

And I watch as Warrick finally left me in peace.

When I came back from Chicago I did everything I can do just so I can get myself out of the field, and since then Warrick has been catching me quivering and sobbing because of the heartache Gil has given me.

I know that he worries that he might find me sobbing again once he and the others get back from the field, but he won't, coz I'll make sure I won't.

_It takes some time_

_God knows how long_

_I know that I can forget you_

I'm not sure why I'm feeding this spider instead of doing my pile of paperwork! I'm not even sure why I'm keeping this spider here!

It's just that, I can't bear to see this little- Okay maybe he is not little, coz he's really big for a spider! – well anyway, I can't bear to see it die of starvation, and I can't bring myself to throw it away.

Whenever I see it I remember him, and... I don't know.... I've been trying to forget him yet I can't throw away this one thing that reminds me to much of him.

I still love him. God I love him, and I know I should stop coz the amount of love is doubled by the amount of pain.

I want to get over him, I've been trying to, and I know I will.

Someday I will.

_As soon as my heart stops breakin'_

_Anticipating_

_As soon as forever is through_

_I'll be over you_

Lying alone in this bed of mine I can feel hot fresh tears falling silently down my eyes.

I still am not over him, but at least I'm improving. Now I cry, but I cry silently, unlike before, before I cry and I can't control the way my body trembles and the noise my cries make. Now I have control over it, I cry silently, I just wish that the pain it has would lessen too, but unfortunately it hasn't, the amount of heartache is still the same, the only thing that changed is the volume of my crying.

Okay, so maybe it's not just the volume of my cries that have changed coz the greater change that happen is that .... I have learned to accept.

Accept that we are over, and that everything's in the pass and there's nothing I can do about it.

Accept that the pain I feel because of this man is far greater than the love which I just wish would vanish.

My best friend of two decades, lover of two years is now the man whom I want to get over with.

Promises never kept, vows that were broken, and the love that has became a lie.... I just want to forget all these.

_Remembering times gone by_

_Promises we both made_

_What are the reasons why_

_Nothing stays the same_

"Mom!!"

The voice of an angel breaks me out of my morbid thoughts.

"Hey baby!"

I watch as my little angel hops to bed beside me.

"I'm glad you're awake"

"Me too honey, how's school?"

"It was great! I got an A in Science!"

"That's great honey! Was that about the one uncle Warrick taught you?"

"No, actually it was a pop quiz, and it's all about insects so I just had to think about Daddy G"

"Oh...."

Lindsey adored Gil, she loves the man like her own father and that is why I've been telling a lie to my daughter. Up to now she still believes that Gil is somewhere in Africa for a convention about insects.

"Could we please go call him? Please! Please! Please!"

"Sweetie, I told you there is no way for us to phone him"

"Well, when will he be back?"

"..."

"Mom!?"

"Well, uh – don't you like spending some alone time with me for a change?"

"Of course I do, but I really miss Daddy G and besides we're not really alone, alone, uncle Warrick is always coming over"

"Don't you like uncle Warrick to come over?"

"It's okay, he's nice."

"He teaches you stuff and you guys get along, have fun and play games like...uh... Gil, does, right?"

I know I'm asking too much, but I just hope that Linds could just spend some time with Warrick so she could stop on missing her Daddy G... as if that is even possible! But hey, I could hope!

"Yeah.. but having Daddy G around is different. Plus he promised me if I get three straight A's he'll take me to Universal studio"

"And I know none of this because?"

"Coz it's a Father and Daughter thing!"

There she said it and it cuts like a knife. Father and Daughter thing. He has built a great bond between him and my daughter, how am I suppose to tell my daughter that her "Daddy G" is not coming back coz he's in Chicago with a woman named Angela!

"So, what do you say if I'll be the one to take you there? Or we can even let uncle Warrick or your cousins to tag along with us."

"Nah! I want to go there with Daddy G, so let's just wait for him then the three of us could go together"

"If that's what you want ......"

_There were the nights holding you close_

_Someday I'll try to forget them_

And as I watch my daughter get out of my bed and saunter towards her room, I pull one of the pillows and hold it close to me.

A few months ago, I wouldn't be hugging a pillow, because I will be wrapped in his warms while we both watch Lindsey's figure disappear to her room.

Now every time I close my eyes I see him, and every time I hug this pillow I think of him.

And I just wish I could just stop from this non-sense and forget about him.

Forget of all this memories.

This memories that no matter what I do, I just can't erase.

But someday I will, I know I will.

_As soon as my heart stops breakin'_

_Anticipating_

_As soon as forever is through_

_I'll be over you_

And now as I drive my usual route on my way to Las Vegas crime lab, I am able to distinguish the certain facts that I have accepted

I have accepted that we are through

I have accepted that he has somebody else

I have accepted that I my love for him is still here though it's being overshadowed by the pain he inflicted

I have accepted that it will take time before I get over him

I have accepted that I know when that time will be... and you know when?...

It's the day my heart stops aching and breaking

It's the day right after forever.

_As soon as my heart stops breakin'_

_Anticipating_

_As soon as forever is through_

_I'll be over you_

Could you believe it? My heart has been torn and shattered into a million pieces but up to now it still is breaking.

As soon as forever is through, I'll be over him.

When the hell will that be?

I don't know.

But I know that that time will come, it will come ...

And again I believe too much and giving too much faith, I just hope that this time I wouldn't be wrong.

_Someday I'll be over you_

Without as much as a single glance I know he is there standing on the doorway of my office staring at me...

"Warrick please stop staring at me"

"Sorry!"

"Do you need anything?"

"Not really"

"Cath?"

"Hmm??"

"Will you have dinner with me tomorrow night?"

_As soon as my heart stops breakin'_

_Anticipating_

_As soon as forever is through_

_I'll be over you_

TBC


	12. To be with you

Disclaimer: CSI and the song are both not mine!

Spoilers: none

A/N: the song used here is 'To be with you' sang by Mr. Big, and it's in Warrick's POV.

Chapter twelve: To be with you

_Hold on little girl  
Show me what he's done to you  
Stand up little girl  
A broken heart can't be that bad  
When it's through, it's through  
Fate will twist the both of you_

"Are you - -"

"Cath it's just a friendly dinner, I just thought it would be nice for you to go out more often."

"Yea. Well... I guess I really could use going out."

"So.... I'd pick you up at around, seven?"

"Seven would be great"

"Okay! Well um – I'd go ahead, and check with Greg!"

"Okay, see ya"

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Finally!

_So come on baby, come on over  
Let me be the one to show you_

_I'm the one who wants to be with you_

I have been crazy for Catherine for such a long time, but I knew she had feelings for Griss so I just tried to become a good friend and thought I could work my way from there.

But two years ago, my fears came to life and they both weren't able to keep it anymore and they have confessed their feelings for each other.

But that stupid, son of a bitch just had to hurt her didn't he?! I really hate him for that, I want to kill him everytime I see her cry, and everytime I look into her eyes... coz though she ain't cryin' I know she's hurtin'.

So what if Griss don't want her no more? I'm here, and I want to be with her.

This is probably a chance given to me by fate. Yea, I know it's bad that Cath needed to get hurt, but I would do my best to make her happy, even happier than what Griss made her.

_Deep inside I hope you'll feel it too  
Waited on a line of greens and blues  
Just to be the next to be with you_

When she got divorced, when her father gave her that cheque, when her ex husband died, when Linds got into a fight at school, when she got attacked at the crime scene.... I was there for her.

She was only friends with Griss back then, those were the same times when they started on drifting apart, and was the same time we became closer and I fell for her.

I fell for her hard, but I knew she isn't interested on dating anyone from work. She has gone into a lot of relationships before, but none of those relationships really lasted, and I knew why... coz she has feelings for our boss though she won't admit it.

But I still had hope back then, coz we were becoming closer while they were drifting apart. I'm not saying that I'm glad they're drifting apart, I'm just saying that maybe she would develop some feelings for me too.

I was a little discouraged when we went to Miami, coz though it was just the two of us there, we are only alone physically, she's either talking with Horatio about the case or talking to Gris on the phone,and I doubt the talk is all on business!

But now, now he's gone.

He's gone, he left her, she's here and I'm here for her.... That's the way it is.

"Hey! Warrick, what are you smiling about?"

"What are you talkin' about Greggo?"

"You're grinning like an idiot!"

"Whatever Greg! Just give me the results of the swabs we found"

_Build up your confidence  
So you can be on top for once  
Wake up; who cares about  
Little boys that talk too much?  
I've seen it all go down  
The game of love was all rained out_

I really can't concentrate that much on what Greg is talkin' about. At last, Catherine and I are going out together!

I know that it's just a friendly dinner, but hey, it doesn't mean it can't lead to something more, right?

Tomorrow's friendly dinner could result to next week's romantic date, and next month's breakfast and lunch date, followed by thanksgiving, christmas and all other holidays spent together... and

oh yes... anniversaries.

Hey, I can dream, can't I?

To hell with Griss! I love Cath!

I have such great respect to the man, well I used to. That was why when they got together I kept my feelings and tried to move on and look for someone, but what did he do? He left her! He hurt her!

When he left the feelings which I thought have long been gone crept its way back to my heart. I was there for her so she would have a shoulder to cry on and someone to make sure she stays sane while waiting for Griss but when Sara told me about what she learned when she bumped into Griss in Chicago, damn, I wanted to kill him.

I'm not sure why I didn't stop Catherine from going to Chicago, but it's probably coz I knew I can do nothing to stop her.

_So come on baby, come on over  
Let me be the one to hold you_

And now as I enter the office of the beautiful woman I've been falling for, for some time now I see her body quiver a little, and I know what's happening.

She's crying again.

Because of him.

"Cath.." I murmured her name as I close the door behind me and walk towards her.

She dries the tears falling from her eyes to her cheek hurriedly.

"Warrick, you really have to learn how to knock!"

"So you could pretend you're not hurting and quickly dry all those tears away before I see it?"

"No! It is so I could have some privacy!"

"Cath.."

"Look Warrick, I just. I have to let it out"

"Let me hold you."

With that simple statement I walk my way towards her, I grab her hand and we sat on the couch located in her office.

I'm holding her, really tight, my arms are around her and she has buried her face on my chest and I can feel her tears, and I hate knowing that I can't do anything about it.

But I will.

I will make her happy.

_I'm the one who wants to be with you  
Deep inside I hope you'll feel it too  
Waited on a line of greens and blues  
Yeah, just to be the next to be with you_

I know she still loves him, coz if she didn't she won't be crying.

And I know I love her, coz if I didn't I won't be hurting like this when I see her cry

And I know he doesn't love her, coz if he does, she won't be crying. And I won't be the one in here with her, it will be him.

Though I hate seeing Cath get hurt, a part of me is glad about this whole thing. This is my chance.

I love her and I hope that Catherine could find it in her heart to love me too.

_Why be alone when we can be together, baby?  
You can make my life worthwile  
I can make you start to smile_

I will make her happy. I will treat her like a queen. I will love her. I will never hurt her.

I promise that.

I know that Griss probably promised the same things, but this time it would be different, coz this time I'm the one giving my vow, and I will keep it no matter what happens.

I will fight for my love for this woman. I can make her smile again, I know I can.

I'm going to erase all the pain he has caused to her. I'm going to fill all the longing and emptiness she feels, coz she too is the only one that could fill my longing and emptiness.

"You still really love him, huh?"

"But I don't want to love him anymore coz I'm hurting."

"You and him are not meant to be together"

"Maybe so... maybe so..."

_When it's through, it's through  
Fate will twist the both of you  
Come on baby, come on over  
Let me be the one to show you..._

They are through, and it's fate. They are not meant to be together, coz we are meant to be together.

I will love her, I will make sure that she will never have to go through this again.

She's crying over a man who don't want to be with her, while I'm here wanting to be with her.

And I will make Catherine see that. He isn't the only man who could love her. Coz I'm here, and I love her, and I will show her just what it is to be loved and not to be hurt.

Right here, right now, I am having this urge to tell her the truth, and I know I must tell her now or else I might never have the courage to do so. I've waited too long, I don't want to be too late anymore.

_I'm the one who wants to be with you  
Deep inside I hope you'll feel it too  
Waited on a line of greens and blues  
Yeah, just to be the next to be with you_

"Cath, I'm your friend, and I would always be here for you. Please don't think that I'm taking advantage or anything but I've been wanting to tell you this for a long time. I wanted to forget about it but it keeps coming back and now I can't keep it no longer."

She lifts her head and looks at me in the eyes.

"Warrick?"

I take a deep breath.. and I spill it out...

"Cath, I'm in love with you."

_I'm the one who wants to be with you  
Deep inside I hope you'll feel it too  
Waited on a line of greens and blues  
Yeah, just to be the next to be with you_

_Just to be the next to be with you_

TBC

Tell me what you think!


	13. Diary

Disclaimer: CSI and the song are both not mine

Spoiler: none

A/N: Thanks for the reviews! and here is the 13th chap, the song used here is 'Diary' by Alicia Keys, it's in Angela's POV, and at long last I would reveal Gil's true reason of leaving..

Chapter thirteen: Diary

_Lay your head on my pillow  
Here you can be yourself  
No one has to know what you are feeling  
No one but me and you_

I watch him stare blankly towards the sky, I hate seeing him like this, I know that everything is hard for him and I just want to be able to do something to ease up his pain.

"Gil..."

"What do you think is she doing right now?"

He's talking about Catherine, he loves her so much and that is why that girl is so lucky to have someone who loves her this much, I just wish she knew.

"I don't know. What do you think?"

"She's probably getting ready for work"

"Right now she would be grabbing her purse, and then she would run to her daughter to give her a goodbye kiss and some reminders. She'd tell Lindsey to finish her homework, brush her teeth before sleeping, say her night prayers and be sure to sleep early. Then she'd say the same things to the sitter. Then she'll be running towards the door coz she'd notice she's gonna be late, but right before she closes the door of the house she says another good bye to Linds, then she'd give her another kiss on the cheek and tell her that she is loved."

Gil tells me all those things with his eyes still affixed at the view outside. And I know that as he tell me these things he is imagining it, he is seeing it vividly in his mind and I just can't help my tears for falling.

Besides the fact that I pity him, I am also hurting for him. He came here to ask for my help, and I promised him I'd help him, and it seems that there is nothing I could do. And quite frankly, nothing and no one could ever do anything, not even he himself. He has lost control; he is unstable and is probably still having an emotional rollercoaster. There is only one person who could help him, and that's the same person whom I helped him push away.

_I won't tell your secrets  
Your secrets are safe with me  
I will keep your secrets  
Just ain't goin' be as the pages in your diary_

When Gil and I bumped into one of his colleague who was having a seminar here, he told her he is with someone else here in Chicago; he told her that he was seeing me. And if my memory serves me correctly, the name of this colleague of his is Sara, Sara Sidle.

I was dumbfounded then but it didn't seem to obvious to that other woman since she was a lot more shocked than I was. When we got home he told me his logical reason.

He has not contacted Catherine ever since he left, and now that he bumped into Sara, he knew that Catherine would definitely find out where he is and if Sara tells Catherine where he is, he is sure that Catherine would see him. And if Catherine sees him now, the only other option he has is to mislead Catherine so that she would hate him.

He wanted her to hate him, so that she'll go away and never find out.

_I feel such a connection  
Even when you are far away  
Oooo baby if there's anything that you fear  
Come forth and call 489-4608 and I'll be here_

When he came here to see me, he was full of fear and was very desperate, but at the same time he had the will. And this will is because of the family he has. Catherine and Lindsey, Gil always talks about them, the mere mention of Lindsey's name or Catherine's brings a smile to his face.

A smile on his face and a pair of blue eyes full of hope, all this hope centered toward this women he loves.

As I watch Gil, I somehow feel his pain. The only real reason he's been fighting is for them, and now he has lost them.

He never wanted to loose them, but he loves them too much. Too much to make them suffer, and that is why he chose to sacrifice his own happiness, and will, he chose to let them hate him.

_I won't tell your secrets  
Your secrets are safe with me  
I will keep your secrets  
Just ain't goin' be as the pages in your diary_

I just want him to know that he is safe here with me, and that he is allowed to voice his feelings out.

I won't tell anyone, and I won't judge him in anyway, I just want to hear his concerns. He has to voice it out, his pain... he has to let it out.

Gil is paining too much, and I have promised myself that I will do anything to ease his pain.

I just can't believe I am seeing him like this. My geeky, smart ass, introverted friend is slowly falling apart right in front of me.

_And you know what?  
And only we know what talked about baby  
Don't know how you can be driven me so crazy  
Baby when your in town why don't you come around  
I'll be the loyalty you need you can trust_

I have been personally handling Gil's records; I have kept every other person working with me on this to have no knowledge of Gil's identity. It was his request; he wanted to keep it secret as much as possible.

And right at this very moment Gil's condition is known to only six people in this whole world. Me, him, and the other four doctors whom he has consulted when he was in Vegas.

He came here to get my opinion, and to ask for my help. He says he is more confident if it is I who would help him, coz he knows I won't let him down. And damn right I won't.

But most of all, the reason he went here is to keep Catherine from knowing anything about this.

Primary brain tumor.

This could be either cancerous or not, in Gil's case .... it is.

And to this very second that I watch him trying to ease the pain he feels from his body by thinking of the one woman who has somehow become his only source of strength, which leads him to feeling that pain in his heart which is far greater than the pain his body feels... the cancer cells from his brain is spreading.

But I won't tell anyone. Though I've wanted to tell Catherine, I won't. After all, I know that I could help Gil get through this, and once he does I'll help him get Catherine and his life back.

But right now, I'm just here to listen and care.

"Gil .... Talk to me."

_I won't tell your secrets  
Your secrets are safe with me  
I will keep your secrets  
Just ain't goin' be as the pages in your diary_

TBC


	14. Could I have this kiss forever

Disclaimer: CSI and the song are both not mine!

Spoilers: none

A/N: the song used here is Could I have this kiss forever, sang by Whitney Houston and Enrique Iglecias. Warrick's POV. Don't forget to review! pplleeaazzee..

Chapter fourteen: Could I have this kiss forever

_  
Over and over I look in your eyes  
you are all I desire  
you have captured me_

Two weeks ago I have made my confession to Catherine; I told her the truth of my feelings. She did not avoid me nor did she got angry, but she did told me that she still isn't over Griss and that she's not sure what to feel about this. She told me she doesn't want me to keep my hopes up but she'll want us to always stay friends.

And it's okay, I've waited before, and now there is no backing out, Griss is out of the picture, all he is, is bitter memories and I can definitely deal with that. My love verses bitter memories of someone she USED to love.

Cath and I have been going out on dates; though we call it as just friendly dates we both know at the back of our minds that it isn't as simple as that.

_I want to hold you I want to be close to you  
I never want to let go  
I wish that this night would never end  
I need to know_

Tonight I'm taking Catherine to a fancy restaurant, and I already told her that tonight won't to be our usual a friendly date, I want it as a date with where I can freely tell her I love her and that she's beautiful and I am just so crazy about her.

She was kinda hesitant at first, but she agreed.

"Hi Linds" I greeted the little girl as she opened the door.

"Hi." Lindsey greeted me with a frown

"Um. Where's your mom?"

"Upstairs" she replied dryly then went inside stomping her feet, this really isn't like Lindsey

"Linds is anything wrong?"

"Where are you taking my mom?"

"We are.. um.. gonna have dinner" I don't think I should say the word date coz Lindsey still doesn't know about it yet

"Then?"

"I'm gonna take her home coz she's gonna have a night off and I'll be in charge at the lab later"

I watch as Lindsey crossed her arms, her eyes are narrowing, if I didn't know better I'd say she's mad at me.

"Well, what if my Daddy G calls while you two are having dinner, how will he be able to talk to my mom?"

"Linds -"

"Hi Warrick! Linds are you bugging uncle Warrick?"

_Could I hold you for a lifetime  
Could I look into your eyes  
Could I have this night to share this night together  
Could I hold you close beside me  
Could I hold you for all time_

And now I am staring at the most beautiful woman I've ever set eyes on. Catherine is wearing a really beautiful powder blue dress that shows enough skin to make you fantasize of her but still be able to envelop it with the kind of respect that the elegance of the dress tends to imply.

"Shall we go?" she asks as she walked over to me.

"Of course" I escorted this beautiful woman towards my car after she gave last minute instructions to her daughter and the babysitter.

I open the door of my car for her where a bouquet of red roses is laying on the passenger seat.

"This is beautiful"

"No, you are beautiful"

"Thank you Warrick"

I can just melt with that smile. I love her smile, and her eyes, and the way she says my name.

"Anything for you."

_Could I could I have this kiss forever  
Could I could I have this kiss forever, forever_

We are now seated on the outdoor table of the restaurant. Here we are dining right under the sky, no one else is outside, just her, me and the stars shining brightly in the sky.

I watch her she eats a bite of her meat, I never knew just how sexy one could look as they eat meat until now. I want to sit beside her and be as close to her as possible. I want to touch her hands, and smell her hair and feel her lips against mine.

And it's all gonna happen, maybe not tonight, not even tomorrow but it will. All I need to do is wait and I will wait.

"Have I told you how beautiful you look tonight?"

"Twice."

"Well then I'll say it again"

"You must really like this dress"

"O yea"

And she looks at me with her blue hued eyes and a soft giggle escapes from her lips.

"Lindsey didn't want me to wear this dress"

"Why?"

"Well... According to her, I am only allowed to wear this when I'm on a date with... you know."

And I nod my head, knowing full well who.

"When are you planning to tell her? You know you can't keep her from the dark too long"

"I will, probably a few weeks from now."

"Isn't it her birthday two days from now?"

"Mm Hmm. Tomorrow I'm going to prepare for her birthday, then the next day she'll have a terrific day then I'll start finding courage to tell her"

"You think she's ready?"

"She'll never be ready. At first I thought the longer he's absence is it would be easier for Linds to accept it, but as it seems Lindsey is a very good example of the saying 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder'. "

"What about you?"

"What about me?"

"Are you ready to tell her?"

"I'll be, I won't tell her till I know that I too am ready to tell her."

And I try to smile trying to mask the sadness I feel.

"And you know what, I think that time would come sooner than I thought all thanks to you."

So you see, no matter how hard I try to pretend she sees through me, and that statement just made me feel happier. I don't know whether I really am helping her on forgetting about him or not, but all I know is that that's what I am aiming to do.

_Over and over Ive dreamed of this night  
Now youre here by my side  
You are next to me  
I want to hold you and touch you and taste you  
And make you want no one but me  
I wish that this kiss could never end  
Oh baby please_

For years I have dreamed of this night to come. To have her alone with me enjoying our meal together. The talk about Griss has been over for minutes now and we are now having fun just talking about our thoughts on anything and everything.

I love talking to her, ever since we've always been very open to each other, we share a certain understanding towards each other. We have care, understanding and trust, all I need is to wait and soon we will have love.

This evening have yet to end and I already know for a fact that I will never forget this. Tonight will be the start of many more dates. Yes this is not our first date, and we've had many dates, but we called those dates as friendly ones, tonight, we are both officially taking this as a date, date.

I will start on courting her and I will show her just how much love I can give her and want to give her. And with that I know that she too will learn to love me. She would love me and want me, though I am not sure if she would feel the same amount as I do, I couldn't care any less, as long as she feels love for me, that's enough and as long as that other man is out of OUR lives, I am going to hold on into this dream forever.

And this won't be just a dream, coz this is going to happen.

And I'll never forget tonight forever, coz tonight is when everything else will follow.

_  
Could I hold you for a lifetime  
Could I look into your eyes  
Could I have this night to share this night together  
Could I hold you close beside me  
Could I hold you for all time  
Could I could I have this kiss forever  
Could I could I have this kiss forever, forever_

"I love you Cath"

"Warrick, I told you - "

"You still aren't ready for it. I know, and I am not rushing you, I just want to let you know, and God! It just feels so good to be able to say what you feel"

"Been there. Felt that!" Spending a beautiful night and I just had to ruin it AGAIN and remind her of HIM.

"Sorry"

"For what?"

"For reminding you of him"

"It's okay. I'm being reminded by everything of him, so trust me I can handle it."

With this she gives me a warm smile that just makes me want to take her in my arms and want to own her forever.

_I dont want any night to go by  
Without you by my side  
I just want all my days  
Spent being next to you  
Lived for just loving you  
And baby, oh by the way_

Alas the night has end and I'm driving her home. It's been a beautiful night, after talking about Griss, though we both didn't bother to mention his name we moved on, on talking about work, and our co workers, then about us, and on what are the latest things happening, then back at us, and some more things I can't remember.

We talked animatedly, teased, joked, we are just so compatible!

Then again, Cath seems to be this way to everyone, probably even to Mr. Private Griss... but who the hell cares! he ain't here, I'm the one here.

I'm the one seated beside her

I'm the one staring at her through the mirror

I'm the one she's talking too

I'm the one she's laughing with

And I'm the one taking her home

And I can see it already, a few years from now I will not only take her home, I will take her home WITH me.

_Could I hold you for a lifetime  
Could I look into your eyes  
Could I have this night to share this night together  
Could I hold you close beside me  
Could I hold you for all time_

"Well, we're here. Take care of the lab ok?"

"I'll walk you to your house"

"No need, Warrick, you'll be late!"

"So? I'm the boss tonight, right boss?"

And she I hear a soft giggle coming from her. I got out of the car and opened her door for her, I walked her to the front door of her house and watch till she fished her keys from her purse and opened the door.

The door is half opened already and her right hand is behind her back holding the knob.

"Goodnight"

"Goodnight"

"I had a great time"

"Me too."

And as she turns around to walk in, I just can't stop myself... I moved one step and called her name, "Cath"

She turns back around, and I press my lips to hers.

After that brief special moment, I look into her eyes, seeing no regrets nor hesitation in her eyes but knowing full well we can't go further than that tonight I smile at her, and she gave me a smile.

The kind of smile that have captured my heart from the start. And I know that the memory of this night and this kiss will be forever be mine.

And then again, I will make sure this won't be the last.

Coz I will make sure that we will be sharing this kiss forever.

"Goodnight Cath, I love you."

"Goodnight Warrick, see you tomorrow"

_Could I could I have this kiss forever  
Could I could I have this kiss forever, forever_TBC 


	15. Everytime

Disclaimer: CSI and the song both not mine

Spoiler: none

A/N: thanks for all the reviews! and here's more of the explanation of why Grissom left. the song used here is Every time by Britney Spears, and it's in Grissom's POV

Chapter fifteen: Every time

_come notice me  
and take my hand  
so why are we  
strangers when  
our love is strong  
why carry on without me?_

The therapies I'm having seems to get more painful, and I don't know why I even bother to do so.

I have just phoned Brass last night, according to him Cath is doing great, he asked me how I was doing I told him that I'm okay but I didn't tell him the truth, all I told him is that I'm having a new life here in Chicago, I'm not sure whether or not he knows of that lie I have told Cath and Sara, and knowing Brass, he probably don't.

Jim has been a very good friend, we've been friends longer than I have been with Cath, he was with me the first time I saw Cath and all those years he knew that I'm in love with Catherine even if I never really told him. And if he has heard of the rumors, he wouldn't have believe it and he would probably ask me about it.

According to him, a few weeks ago Cath barely went to the field and have been spending her nights doing paper work, and that really isn't like Catherine at all, coz of the simple reason that she hates paper works no less than I do and she loves the field.

Jim also told me that Catherine is becoming a workaholic but, thankfully she's starting to take a break now. Jim also said that he thinks Cath is already going out on dates.

_and every time I try to fly  
I fall without my wings  
I feel so small  
I guess I need you baby_

I feel a lot weaker than I used too after my therapy. Before, after my therapy session I feel weak but at the same time better, but now, all I feel is the pain of my illness.

When I came here Catherine and Lindsey, my family, they were the ones who served as my inspiration and source of strength. I told myself that I'm doing this for them, and for me. I want to spend more time with them and that is why I had to go through this, but now I don't know.

Before I was able to imagine that once this is over I'll go back to Vegas and back to my family and to my love, now, I don't know what anymore. I blew it all, I have no one to go back to in Vegas, I have nothing to fight for anymore

I thought that if Catherine won't know about this, thinking of her and her serving as my inspiration would be enough, but the truth is, it isn't. Every time I wake up after my therapy I always wished that it would be her sitting beside me and as days, and weeks pass by my dreams are becoming rather to painful to bear for I know that it never will be possible.

I can't do it.

Not without her.

I need her here with me.

_And every time I see you in my dreams  
I see your face, it's haunting me  
I guess I need you baby  
_

And almost every time I fall asleep I dream of her, of her and me, and the way she looked when I told her all those lies.

I told her that I have someone else coz I want her to hate me, that was my only other options.

On my plan A, I planned to go here in Chicago and meet with Angela, she's a very good friend of mine and is one of the top neurologist in the country. That night when I came by Catherine's house to say good-bye I have told her that I didn't know if I would be back, coz I meant that literally. Though I trust that Angela is the best, and that I have all the will to live I still am open to the idea that it might not work out.

After checking with four of the best neuro-surgeons in Vegas with the same diagnosis I went to Angela, I phoned her and she told me to come see her.

When Catherine came, I had to pursue with plan B. While I was having lunch with Angela, I saw her from the corner of my eye waiting in line with the other costumers waiting for their chairs. I was shocked and happy at the same time, I wanted to jump off my seat and kiss her and embrace her and never ever let go, but then I remembered .... I can't.

Then I felt fear and nervousness, and so I told Angela that Catherine was there in that same restaurant, Angela thought she Cath is beautiful, I told Angela to help me pretend. When we saw Sara, I new that this might happen so Angela at that time knows what I meant. And when she told me that Catherine is walking closer to us, I asked her if it would be okay if we kiss.

And when we made that kiss,

Catherine ran,

she ran away.

And now I am regretting, coz I need her, I need her here.

I need her with me.

_I make believe  
that you are here  
it's the only way  
I see clear_

I don't know what to think or do with my life, but then again why plan?

I have cancer, a primary brain tumor that has been spreading through my body. I tried so hard to keep what ever I felt when I was in Vegas. I didn't want her to be worried.

The only reason I lied to her is coz I love her. I have this fear in me that I might not make it and die, and when I die I know that Catherine will be very much in pain, and I don't want that. That's why I lied to her, yes I know I have caused her pain in doing so but I'm sure as hell that this pain would probably be easier than to have her pain to watch me dying inch by inch. I can't spend the last few days of my life watching Catherine cry.

And now, I just can't spend my day without her, I need her and that is why I keep on thinking of her, hoping that my imagination is enough to suffice my need.

_what have I done  
you seem to move on easy_

As to what I have heard from Jim, Cath seems to be moving on easily.

And though I know I should be happy, I really am not. Not that I want her to mourn over me, but the fact that I'm feeling this pain in my heart for her while she is somewhere out there with someone else.

In my plan B, I am to tell her a lie (which I did), something she could and would hate me for, for the rest of my life. And by doing so, when I die, she won't be too hurt or sad, she might even rejoice!

Weeks ago I was so confident that I have made the right decision, and now I am questioning myself, I shouldn't have lied, I really shouldn't have.

_I may have made it rain  
please forgive me  
my weakness caused you pain  
and this song is my sorry_

I have caused her pain, because I am weak. I am too weak to let her see me like this.

I am too weak to see her cry because of my health

I am too weak to admit to myself that there is a chance that I would soon have to give it all up, so why not now?

I just hope that she'll find it somewhere in her heart to forgive me.

And as I have said before, though it hurts so much more than any one could ever imagine, if given the chance to live my life again, I would have done the same thing. If she hates me, she'll forget about me, and when I die, she won't cry, instead she'll smile, and laugh and be happy.

I know that I shouldn't be thinking so much about death, after all Angela is doing her best to help me survive, but at the same time I know that the chances of the therapies I'm having has a big possibility that it won't work.

_at night I pray  
that soon your face  
  
Will fade away_

And though I truly cherish the moments that I see the picture of her vividly into my mind, I too am praying to forget about this.

I just can't keep on having her in my head 24/7. It pains me, and it is of the chance that I might not see her again.

Before, in my plan, once I'm okay I'll go back to her, but what about now? Now that I can't have her anymore. What if the therapy works? What will I do then?

_and every time I try to fly  
I fall without my wings  
I feel so small  
I guess I need you baby_

And every time I try to stand on my own and try my best to calm myself every time I am about to take my therapy. Every time I try to feel better and be better, it just seems that nothing is happening, and this just can't be!

Coz every time I try to stand I fall down twice lower than before

And coz every time I try to fly in my thoughts wandering with her and about her, the reality hits me that I can never have her and I fall. I fall, because I can't fly, because I have no wings.

I need her.

Though I wanted to face this sickness of mine alone that was before, coz now I know and I can never again deny nor ignore the fact that I need her.

I need her to get through this.

I need her.

_  
After all...  
after all..._

TBC


	16. Almost over you

Disclaimer: CSI and the song used are both not mine

Spoilers: none

a/n: the song used here is 'Almost over you' in Cath's POV

Chapter sixteen: Almost over you

_I saw an old friend of ours today_

_She asked about you_

_I didn't quite know what to say_

I'm getting a little worried, Lindsey's teacher called me for a parent-teacher conference, and it's not that this is the first time but she looked really serious and worried when I saw her. She went outside to get something which she wanted to show me....

We have just celebrated Lindsey's birthday the other day, all her friends, her cousins, my sister, Sara, Nick, Greg, Jim even Doc Robbins and his wife came by to greet her a happy birthday, and of course the person whose been beside me all along ... Warrick, was there.

Lindsey woke up really early that morning, which didn't seem too strange since it was her birthday so I bet she wanted to look for her birthday present, and as to my surprise she didn't look or even asked me about it. Instead, you know what she did? She sat down beside the phone with enthusiasm and excitement dominating her every time it rings. And every time she puts it down a frown is seen and though there's disappointment illuminating in her eyes there's also hope and expectation and faith.

I tried to ignore it and tried to cheer her up, afternoon came and so did the visitors and she started to cheer up, no longer sitting beside the phone. But night came, everybody left and my dear daughter again sat beside the phone till she fell asleep.

"Sorry to keep you waiting"

"It's okay"

"So, where's Mr. Grissom?"

When Eddie died and even before Gil and I became lovers he has been going here in Lindsey's school. When we were STILL and ONLY friends he only came with me to accompany me on family programs, but when we became MORE than friends he accompanied me with all the parent-teacher conferences which he insisted on going to. Linds of course was just so thrilled to the idea, coz Eddie never went to any parent-teacher conferences.

"Well, um. He's not around"

"Oh well, please tell him I said hi. Anyway, first I wanted to show you this..."

Ms. Andrews handed me an essay paper with Lindsey's handwriting, titled 'Valuable possession'

I really want to read it but something tells me there's more, it's so obvious with her tone.

"Ms. Andrews, is there something else you'd want to tell me?"

"Well, your daughter got into a fight yesterday"

"She did!?"

"And this morning too."

"Why?"

"Well, I was really hoping you could tell me"

_Heard you've been making the rounds 'round here_

_While I've been trying to make tears disappear_

And I walk back to my car holding Lindsey's essay paper on my hands. I don't know what to do, I don't even know what's happening to my daughter.

* * *

_I really think I am the luckiest kid. Aside from having the best mom I also have the best dad any one could ever have. Daddy G isn't really my biological dad, but he still is my dad. Both my daddies loved me so much and I love them too. I've known daddy G ever since I can remember, he's my mom's best friend and now they are a couple, they're not yet married, but they will be. Two months ago daddy G told me he wanted to ask my mom to marry him and was just waiting for the right time. I really think he's gonna ask her when he comes back from Africa. Mom said that daddy G's trip was sudden so he wasn't able to say good-bye. My mom didn't know that I cried coz I wasn't able to see daddy G, but when I opened my bedside table drawer where I keep my diary, there was a letter there. I haven't mentioned it to my mom, anyways the letter was from my daddy G. And that's one of my most valuable possessions. You see I have three, the first one is the music box my daddy gave me before he passed away, the second is the locket my mommy gave me for my 10th birthday which she got from Grandma and of course the letter my daddy G gave me._

* * *

This is an excerpt from my daughter's essay. And I've been reading it again and again.

But I still don't know how to react. My daughter adores and loves Gil, an hour ago I decided this would be the day to tell her, but I don't think I can. Not after reading this. And he left her a letter?

Just when I thought I'm already over him.

_Now I'm almost over you,_

_I've almost shook these blues_

_So when you come back around_

_After paintin' the town_

_You'll see, I'm almost over you_

No more sleepless nights.

No more heart shattering pain.

No more tears unshed.

No more Gil.

And now as I read this essay, I know I'm reading through my daughter's own feelings, and I know that I lost more than just a boyfriend, more than just a best friend. But I lost one of the greatest foundations of what have kept me going, and that's my family.

Gil is family.

There was no ceremony, no wedding bells, no contract and no ring. But we HAD love, care, understanding, a vow and a silent agreement that he belongs to me and that I belong to him. And that's how it's been for two decades.

And so I know I still am not over him.

But I'll be, I'm almost there.

_You're such a sly one with your cold, cold, heart_

_Maybe leavin' came easy but it tore me apart_

As days pass by when little by little I'm getting over him were the same days I see my daughter feeling that loneliness I once felt.

And as I stop my car outside my house, I gather all my strength and courage to be able to talk to my daughter.

"Hey Linds!" I open my daughter's door and greet her with a smile

"Don't you have work?"

Don't you have work? What happened to hi, hello, and I'm glad to see you?

Where's my kiss? And what, not even a smile? What in the world is happening to her, she's been very distant to me lately

"I do, but I wanted to talk to you"

"About what?"

"The fight at school you had."

"It was just a little argument"

"Not according to your teacher, now talk to me Linds" and she glares at me.

"Hey! You don't do that to your mother young lady!!"

And as I look at my daughter, her eyes were almost as furious as mine.

"What the hell is happening to you Linds?"

"I saw you! I saw you!! I saw you!!!" Lindsey screamed at the top of her lungs

"Lindsey..." I don't understand her so I try to hold her but she moves away from me, "Lindsey what are you talking about?"

"I saw you, I saw you that night! You were kissing uncle Warrick! You were kissing him! And that's probably why daddy G didn't call me on my birthday and why he's still not here coz he knows that you're kissing uncle Warrick while he's in Africa!!"

"Lindsey!" I reprimanded my daughter from saying anything more. My God. Did my daughter just accuse me of adultery?

Yes, she did.

"You got mad of my daddy and divorced him coz he was cheating on you, and now you're cheating on daddy G, and if he knows then he'll leave us just like what you did to daddy! And he'll be gone just like daddy!"

I walk over to my daughter, and this time she allows me to hold her as she cry. "Lindsey ..."

"I thought you said you loved daddy G"

"I did"

"And now?"

I don't know if I love him, but I don't think I do, coz frankly, a big part of me hates him.

"Things change sweetheart."

"What do you mean?"

"Well. Linds, Gil and I, are not together anymore"

"Why?"

"It's hard to explain. I'll tell you in another time okay?"

"Can he still be my daddy G even if you're not together?"

I don't think so Linds, how can you if he's with somebody else there in Chicago??

"I don't know"

"Guess, I don't have a daddy again"

"Well, you still have me, and uncle Warrick would always be there for us too."

And my daughter looks at me sternly.

"I already have two daddies I don't think I can make room for him anymore."

"Linds – "

"I'm gonna go brush my teeth now." I watch as my daughter got out of my embrace and headed out to the bathroom.

I know what she thinks I was going to say before she interrupted me, and believe me I wasn't going to say it. I wasn't going to say that Warrick could be her dad, coz I could never say that. I would never say that.

Even in Gil's case, I never told her or even implied that Gil would be her dad, it was her decision, how could she even think that I'm gonna want her to think Warrick is her new dad? Oh jeez, why am I even asking this question when in fact I already know the answer. She hates me, and she hates Warrick, she probably thinks that Warrick is the reason Gil and I broke up.

She adores Gil, she loves him so much and I don't think I could destroy his name. At first I did, thinking he wasn't worthy of my daughter's love when he just left like that, but knowing that he did left something for my daughter, that he did not leave her just like that, without a good-bye ... well it only means he really cares for her.

And no matter what has happened between the two of us I could never deny the fact that he really did loved Lindsey and Lindsey loved him just as much ... just as what I said earlier – family, Gil was family, he was a part of my family.

So tell me, how could I ever destroy the name of the one man my daughter looks up to?

The man she loves so dearly.

The man she has treated like her father ... the man who treated her like she's his own.

Time heals all wounds they say

_And I should know_

_Cause it seems like forever but_

_I'm letting you go_

And as I walk around the lab, thinking of the things that happened earlier, thinking of my daughter and .... her daddy G.

I could definitely say that I'm so over him.

Okay maybe not that over, but almost. I'm almost over him. At night I could sleep soundly, and I could last days without thinking of him, and I guess all I need is to help my daughter with her struggle of this news and both of us could get over it.

I'm not pained anymore, maybe the wounds are already healing, or maybe it's just because all the pain has now been converted to anger.

It took me a while, it took me a very long while, and at last I'm almost over him. I sit and work inside of what used to be his office and now, unlike before, I can no longer smell his scent. Not even the slightest hint of it. Not anymore. Not anymore.

I really am moving on and letting go, but I won't go without my daughter, I'm gonna have to help her through that. Through this.

_Now I'm almost over you,_

_I've almost shook these blues_

_So when you come back around_

_After paintin' the town_

_You'll see, I'm almost over you_

I've already packed all the stuff he left in my house ... boxers, shirt, pants, coat, books.... All this things which he left in my house, along with all that he gave me are all inside a box. A box which I hid behind my closet just so that if ever I find anything else I could put it there and when I'm sure it's all there, when all that he owned is there I'm gonna burn it.

When I came back from Chicago and started filling that box, the real reason I couldn't burn it is not because of something I can't place inside, but of something I found hard to get out.

As I said, in that box lies all that he owned, and I had such a hard time getting my heart out from the box, and now that I have, all that's left there are material things, things which I would gladly burn and if given the chance even throw it on his face – now that would be sweet!

_I can forgive you and soon I'll forget_

_All my shattered dreams_

_Although you left me with nothing to show_

_All of misery_

Maybe I could somehow learn to forgive him.

To forgive him for leaving me

For cheating on me

For looking for another woman

For shattering all my hopes and dreams

For breaking my heart

For putting me through this

For putting my daughter through this.

Someday I'll forgive him for all of this, then I'll forget of all of this. All of this actions and experiences along with the person who has caused it.

I'm gonna forget all about this, all about him. I'm gonna forget him.

I'm almost over him, I'm so near to my goal. Only a few more steps.

_Now I'm almost over you,_

_I've almost shook these blues_

_So when you come back around_

_After paintin' the town_

_You'll see, I'm almost over you_

I have been dating Warrick, so you see my love life is on the railway again. But I'm not that serious, and he understands, we take it one day at a time, and no one from the office knows that we're dating. It's far better this way.

Lindsey is my only concern, once I've helped her, I could say that's when I'm really over him.

And that day will come soon. Maybe even sooner than what I think – At least that's how I would like it, the sooner the better!

And when I see him – though I doubt I will and I really hope I won't, I'll tell him,

"You are just someone who I USED to love"

_When you come back around_

_After paintin' the town you'll see_

_I'm almost over you._

TBC


	17. Maybe

Disclaimer: CSI and the song are both not mine!

Spoilers: none

A/N: The song used here is 'Maybe' by Sheryn Regis, it's in Grissom's POV . I have the feeling you guys will be liking this chap... so read on....and I hope you'll like it!!

Chapter seventeen: Maybe

_If we both decide to try and make it one more time_

_I hope we take the time to know each other well_

_And if the answers don't come quick we'll go with how it feels_

_And sometimes that's not yes or no_

"Tell me again why I'm doing this?"

"Because you need her, you love her, and you've been such a royal pain to me this pass few days!!"

"Oooh yea."

"Gil!"

"Angela, there's no need to shout!"

And I can't help but chuckle as my friend glares at me, she means well I know, but I'm afraid...

"You know, when you came here and when we started with you're therapy, man the way your body responded to the therapy was phenomenal! Then she came you got hurt, and Gil I'm just really concerned, since that day that you told her that lie, well ... your body isn't really responding as well as it used to be."

"You think you can explain the meaning behind that?"

"Of course I can." Angela replied with wink and grin, "You're losing your will to fight Gil."

"Can't argue with that. But what if she doesn't believe me?"

"She will Gil, I know she will."

"But what if I don't get better and die?"

"Look, cancer and death are not synonymous! As I told you, you were doing great you just have to want to live and fight, and as I have seen to this past few months we've spent together that would mean only one thing, or rather person"

'CALLING ALL PASSENGERS BOARDING TO LAS VEGAS.'

"That's me, see you soon Angela"

"Okay, take care okay"

"I will. And Angela, thank you"

"You're welcome, now go and get her!"

_But maybe there'll be no falling stars_

_this time around_

_I still believe that_

_Honesty is all we'll ever need_

_You and me again, maybe_

I am now boarded on the plane, on my way to Vegas.

I feel really nervous and scared, what the hell am I going to tell her. I'm going to tell her the truth that's what, but how? How the hell am I supposed to drop this bomb shell to her?

Catherine I love you and I'm sorry, I lied to you I never loved anybody else and I lied because I have cancer and I'm dying and I was so scared for you to see me die but you don't have to worry coz I'll be better once WE go back to Chicago where I'm having my treatment.

So you see, that, that is the truth, but if I tell it to her like that it would seem so stupid and unbelievably absurd! So how am I to tell her? How do I explain to her that I did it all coz I love her so much that I didn't want to see her be sadden and that now that I realize that it is pointless to keep on going and fighting for my life when she hates me.

I have decided to lie to her and fight this sickness on my own, but I can't do it. and probably another reason of this is that I'm afraid, I'm afraid that once I win this fight I won't have anyone to go back to.

I need her so I could fight for this, and so I would have someone to fight for and to know that once I'm through there is someone waiting for me.

That after this long and exhausting race, at the finish line she would be there waiting and smiling at me with open arms. That's the picture I would want to look forward to.

Coz if I don't tell Catherine the truth and it takes me a few more years for my treatment to finish, by the time I heal completely she too would probably hate me completely or over me completely. The worst is if she's with someone else.

_You keep asking me if I will love you for all time_

_If two of us will be enough to make it strong_

_And if we learn to keep it free and let each other grow_

_We'll find out there's no yes or no just_

So many times, I have told her that I love her. I still do and I know I always will. And I hope that she'll understand that and believe that.

I hope that she'll believe me when I tell her that I love her, I have always loved her and that I was only lying to her when I told her I had someone else, coz I wanted to protect her, to protect me. I never really thought about the consequences of my actions back then, all I thought about was her not knowing, coz after all how will she hurt if she doesn't know?

I caused her too much pain when I told her that I'm with someone else, but I'm pretty sure it would be less painful than watching me die. And now, now I'm going to tell her coz I'm confident that I could get over my illness. This is the 21st century, we are in the technology age, there's a way for everything you want to have.

_Me I want to have longer life._

_Maybe there'll be no falling stars this time around_

_I still believe that_

_Honesty is all we'll ever need_

_Can we make it through, maybe_

I would just have to let her know the truth, though I know it wouldn't guarantee anything sure but that's the only way that there could be a bigger possibility.

Once she learns of the truth, we can start all over again, no more lies. Me, her and Linds. I'll get well, I'll ask her to marry me and we'll all be happy. It was stupid of me to let some disease rule my life. So what if the brain tumor I have in my head started becoming cancer cells and is spreading through out my body? It isn't as simple as I imply but it isn't as painful as to what my heart is going through.

Like Angela said, it was a good thing I came to her at once, and that if my body responds as well as it used to when I first came then I would surely be of good health again in no time.

_No candles or guitar this time around_

_I still believe that_

_Honesty is all we'll ever need_

_You and me again_

_Maybe_

I don't know what Catherine's reaction would be, all I know is that she has to know the truth. The truth that I love her. That's the truth, and I have lied to her by saying otherwise.

I love her, and I love Lindsey, and I will always love them. They both need to know that, the need to believe it.

Maybe it won't be the same as before, it's going to be a long rocky road but maybe we could all get through once we are together again.

Maybe there's still a chance for me take all those lies back.

Maybe there's still hope.

We already have love, honesty is what we lack, and this time, we can make it.

We can make it ... maybe.

Maybe, if I'm not too late.

If I'm not too late.

_Maybe there'll be no falling stars this time around_

_I still believe that_

_Honesty is all we'll ever need_

'LADIES AND GENTLEMEN WE HAVE JUST SAFELY LANDED ON LAS VEGAS AIRPORT'

_Maybe there'll be no falling stars this time around_

_I still believe that_

_Honesty is all we'll ever need_

TBC


	18. I'll never get over you getting over me

Disclaimer: CSI and the song are both not mine

Spoilers: none

a/n: Thanks for the reviews, the song used here is I'll never get over you getting over me' by Bellfire. it's in Cath's POV

Chapter eighteen: I'll never get over you getting over me

_I hear you're taking the town again_

_Having a good time._

_With all your good time friends._

"Where are you heading Jim?"

"Well, the shift is over, plus I took a leave for today"

"YOU took a leave?"

"Yes, I did"

"I know it's not my place to ask, but I'm just curious, what's with today? It isn't your birthday, is it?"

"No, it isn't my birthday Catherine. It's just that, I have this friend whom I have not seen for a long time who's coming back to town"

"Oh. Um, do I know your friend?"

"I do believe you know him very well."

"Really! Who is it?" It's not that I know all of Jim's friends but to the years that I've been working with him, I do know quite a few, or maybe it's someone from our old team! "Is it someone from our old team?"

"Uh. Yes"

Hmm, that's weird, none of them called me up and told me they were coming, but anyways... let me see there's Harold and Meg and ....

"Gil's coming" I look into his eyes hoping to see some hint that it was just a joke or a lie or that maybe I just misheard him.

"Gil is in waiting for me at the airport"

"Oh."

"Would you want to see him?"

"NO, I don't."

_I don't think that you think of me._

_You're on your own now._

_And I'm alone and free._

He's back. He's back.

"Hey Cath you okay?"

"Um, yeah, uh, Nick, you think you and Greg can take it from here I'm getting some of the evidence back to the lab now"

"Yea sure"

"Okay bye!"

_I know that I should get on with my life._

_But a life lived with out you could never be right._

I know that I shouldn't be this affected that he's back. Catherine! you've moved on already remember?

I've got my life back on track, everything is so great, my career is at its peak, Greg is doing great, and Sara is falling in love with Greg- okay stop!! What the hell does that have to do with anything? Anyway, my point is we have all moved on, no one is looking for him I don't think anyone even wants him back, and even if they do I don't want to know coz I surely don't want him back. Nick is still Nick, Lindsey's doing a whole lot better and haven't mentioned his name since that night and Warrick, well, I can't think of anything to say, he's just... he's Warrick.

Everything is so perfect and so good, but the truth is, something isn't right... and maybe it's because... NNOO!!! Catherine! You're getting delusional! Everything is good, everything is right and now he's back and he's going to ruin it!

No, Cath, he won't! He won't ruin it, and he wouldn't do it any better either. He's someone from the past and has nothing to do with you now or with you in the future, he doesn't have to affect your life! Not now, not ever!

You are so over him remember? You've already forgiven him, for hurting you, for leaving you, for ruining your dreams, for loving someone else...

Oh, okay, okay, erase that last one. Erase, erase.

For loving someone else.

He got over me even before I knew we were over.

_As long as the stars shine down from the heavens._

_As long as the rivers run to the sea._

_I'll never get over you getting over me_

I don't think I'll ever get through that. He cheated, he got over me, and here I am still not over him.

He got over me. He got over on LOVING me, he stopped. He stopped loving me; he stopped coz he started to give that love he promised to be mine to someone else. He left me crying and hurting like a fool as he moved on and lived a happy life.

He left me hanging, thinking and looking forward to the day he comes back. The day with which as long as he is concern is and will not happen.

And I don't think I'll ever get over that, no matter how I wish I would, no matter how I force my self to do so.

_I try to smile so the hurt won't show_

_Tell everybody_

_That I was glad to see you go_

"Hey Cath!"

"Hey Sara" I greeted her as we both walk by the corridor the lab.

"Um. Have you seen Greg?"

"He's still at the crime seen. You miss your little boyfriend already?" I teased

"He isn't my boyfriend!"

"But you want him to be!" though I meant that as a joke it is partly true

"No." Ah, denial!

"If you say so"

"Uh Cath" And I stop from my walking to give Sara my full attention, she seems to be serious

"Have you heard?"

"Heard of what?"

"Grissom is in town"

"Yea I did"

"And your okay with it?"

"Sure, and I don't really care"

Yeah right! Who are you trying to tell that Catherine? To Sara or to yourself?

"Look Catherine, I know we aren't he best of friends' but-"

"It's okay Sara. I've cried enough, and thank you"

"Anytime"

"Okay, so why don't you go back to your case and I'll start processing mine"

"Sure, see you later"

_But the tears just won't go away_

_Loneliness found me._

_Looks like it's here to stay._

I don't know what's happening, but somehow knowing that he's here again I'm starting to feel the emptiness again.

And no matter what I do I just can't get it out. I would have to admit, he has become a part of me and the mark he left behind and this loneliness I've found because of him might never go away, not that I don't want it to but it just won't.

It's far beyond my control. Who would have known that after all that I've been through to get over him, all it takes is to hear that he's in town for me to be like this again.

_I know that I ought to find someone new._

_But all I find is myself always thinking of you._

I'm with Warrick now.

Well not officially, I haven't really told him of what I feel, but everything between us is just so good, it's so natural and new and it's my medicine. My cure, cure for the heartbreak and the loneliness, for the longing and the hurt, and it has been working proficiently, until now.

None of my co-workers know about this, or rather, I haven't confirmed it yet, you know office gossip, and you could never get anything hidden. Warrick and I have never told anyone that we are DATING, we are still on that stage and to what I feel I would say that it is actually starting to lead on to something....

_As long as the stars shine down from the heavens._

_As long as the rivers run to the sea._

_I'll never get over you getting over me._

But why can't I stop on thinking about Gil?

I hate this! I hate that I can't accept everything!

The fact and the knowledge that he loves another woman and that he got over me just like that is affecting my pride as a woman and a lover. And maybe it's just that, coz all along I thought I'm the only one he could and would ever love, but I was wrong coz he love someone else, not only that he loves her more.

I'm sure about that, coz if he didn't he wouldn't have chosen her.

And I'll never get through that, that another woman has taken over my place. Being replaced is so hard to get over from. If we broke up long before he fell in love with Angela, it would have been so much different.

_Oh... No matter what I do_

_Each night's a lifetime to live through._

_I can't go on like this. I need your touch_

_You're the only one I ever loved... oh._

It's really hard to get through a person you love, most especially if that person is the only man you've ever really loved.

You know, you give all, and it's still not enough.

I'm not crying, nor shaking, and I don't have that inner turmoil, but it does sting a little. But just a little.

Now, memories of him are again flooding back, the fact that I know that he's here has affected me far more than I thought it could ever, but then again I never really thought of seeing him again after learning that he is cheating on me.

_And as long as the stars shine down from the heavens._

_As long as the rivers run to the sea._

_I'll never get over you getting over me._

I'm not sure what I feel for him, and the truth is I don't want to feel anything for him.

A big part of me hates him, a bigger part hates itself for not getting over him.

I hate cheaters- people who makes a fool out of me...

So I guess I'll always have this hate towards him.

I still feel a sting in my heart at the thought of him, more than that, I'm just wishing to never see him again, I don't think I'm ready, quite frankly I'll never be ready, coz I never want to see him, not now, not ever.

_I'll never get over you getting over._

_Never get over you... getting over._

_I'll never get over you getting over me._

TBC


	19. Everybody's changing

Disclaimer: CSI and the song are both mine

Spoilers: none

A/N: thanks for reading this and reviewing! the song used here is Everybody's changing sang by Keane, Grissom's POV

Chapter nineteen: Everybody's changing

_You say you wander your own land_

_But when I think about it_

_I don't see how you can_

This café is really nice, Brass says it has just opened about a week or two ago but by the number of people entering the establishment it sure didn't look like it. It gives a cozy feeling, its ambience is really nice, the waitresses do their job efficiently and the food is truly scrumptious.

"Gil, tell me, why did you left?"

"It's a little too personal Jim, maybe I'll tell you some other time"

"Okay, well, since you won't tell me why you left, do you mind telling me why you came back?"

"For Catherine"

"Catherine went through a lot when you left; every thing ain't the same any more"

I know a lot of things have changed; Brass has managed to rub it for probably the millionth time this afternoon.

"Hey Brass!!" called an all too familiar voice from behind me.

"We didn't - - . Grissom!"

"Hey Greg; Nick. Sara. It's good to see all of you"

"Yea sure" was Sara's deadpanned response.

"Why don't you guys join us?" Jim invited, and the three got themselves a chair and settled down on our table.

_You're aching, you're breaking_

_And I can see the pain in your eyes_

_Says everybody's changing_

_And I don't know why_

Having lunch with them again wasn't as nice and comforting as it used to be. Jim had a lot of unanswered questions but we are still okay, but the other three... well they look at me differently.

Greg used to look at me with such respect, I know I frighten him at times but he has shown great respect towards me in his own way, now well, he looks at me questioningly and with doubt.

The same with Nick, Nick used to have this look of respect, friendliness and trust, now he looks at me with a disgusted smirk.

Sara looks at me as if saying 'I used to respect you' and 'what the hell are you even doing here, you bastard?'.

I'm not sure if I'm just imagining things or what but one thing is for sure, none of the three showed any kind of sign that they are glad to see me back.

I know it would be stupid to ask why, coz I think I know why.

_So little time_

_Try to understand that I'm_

_Trying to make a move to stay in the game_

_I try to stay awake and remember my name_

_But everybody's changing_

_And I don't feel the same_

The bell has rung and the kids are running towards their parents while some are towards the bus stop and the others to the play ground. And there she is, the little blonde girl I came here to see, she's walking with some friends and giggling. Somehow I managed to step out of my car to see her more clearly, I'm not sure whether to come up to her or not, but I guess I just won't, I don't think I'm ready to see what her reaction would be, I mean if my co workers looks at me like that, what more Lindsey?

And so I open the door of my car....

"Daddy G!!!"

I turn back around and I see Lindsey grinning and running towards me, I closed the door of the car back and embraced MY DAUGHTER.

After a long moment of cradling her in my arms, I back away a little and I see tears running down her little face, I try to wipe them for I can't bear seeing my little girl crying.

"Sweetie, why are you crying?"

"Coz- coz, I-I, thought, that.. that, that I wouldn't see you ever again" Lindsey managed to get out between sobs. "I'm here now, no need to cry sweetheart" and I watch my little girl giggled at me..

"Why are laughing?" I inquired

"Coz your crying too daddy G!!"

I reached for my handkerchief, and she's right, I am crying. Probably because I'm overwhelmed with joy. The joy of seeing her and being able to embrace her and know that this little girl doesn't hate me and that she hasn't forgotten all about me.

"You know I think I have a little something for you at the back of the car"

"Really!!"

And so I retrieved my gift for her, it's a little heavy plus it's fragile, I don't think Lindsey could carry it.

"It looks heavy"

"It is."

"Can I open it now!!"

"Well – "

"Lindsey!!"

And now I find myself staring directly at those two beautiful blue eyes which I know very well.

_You're gone from here_

_And soon you will disappear_

_Cause everybody's changing_

_And I don't feel right_

"Catherine.." I whispered

"Lindsey, get in the car, we're going home." she said sternly

"Could I just ride with daddy G?"

"Mr. Grissom is going somewhere else Linds"

Mr. Grissom?? Where did that came from!

"No he isn't!"

"Listen to your mom Linds"

"But I just saw you now after a really, really long time, and I want to hear all about Africa."

Africa??

"Lindsey, I said we are going!"

"But mom – "

"Get in the car Lindsey!" Catherine's voice rose, and Lindsey threw her arms around my waist as if not wanting to let go, her head is bowed down but I could hear her muffled cries.

"Linds, sweetheart, don't cry. We could spend more time next time, okay. Now come on, I'll walk you to your mom's car."

Lindsey nodded, Catherine led the way and I followed with Lindsey's arms still around me.

_So little time_

_Try to understand that I'm_

_Trying to make a move to stay in the game_

_I try to stay awake and remember my name_

_But everybody's changing_

_And I don't feel the same_

As I settled Lindsey inside Catherine's car, I handed her, her gift which is still wrapped. I closed the door and found Catherine waiting for me.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

"I wanted to see you"

"You're using my daughter"

"I think you misunderstood. I came here to Vegas to see you; I came here to the school to see Lindsey"

"What are you trying to do?"

"I'm trying to make up for the lost times"

"Those times aren't really lost Gil, they were thrown. You threw it away, once you throw something it's either you keep it that way or you go and pick it up. You obviously choose to pick it up, but guess what, there's nothing to pick up. You're too late"

"Cath.."

"Things change Gil, people change, and you're gonna have to live with it.... don't look so confused you're the one who thought me that"

_So little time_

_Try to understand that I'm_

_Trying to make a move to stay in the game_

_I try to stay awake and remember my name_

_But everybody's changing_

_And I don't feel the same_

TBC


	20. Forgive me

Disclaimer: CSI and the song are both not mine

Spoilers: none

A/N: the song used here is 'forgive me' by evanesence

Chapter twenty: Forgive me

_Can you forgive me again?  
I don't know what I said  
but I didn't mean to hurt you_

"Catherine, I really have to talk to you, do you think we could go somewhere private?"

"One, I really don't want to talk to you coz I don't want to waste my time. Two, this is the most private place you and I could ever go to"

I never really thought that a school driveway where kids are still running around and parents crowding the place could pass as private, so I guess things could really change. And it changes big time!

How was I able to manage to make Catherine hate me like these? When she speaks to me her words and tone cuts like a knife. When she talks she looks at me, and now I wish she wouldn't look at me, I wish I couldn't see her eyes.

Her eyes are full of anger, and hate. All of it centered on me. She looks at me furiously, as if she's trying to kill me at this very spot.

But then again I've become accustomed to the feeling of dying. I've been feeling that way for months, and the one day I felt it the most is the day I lied to her. I saw that hurt I caused, and I felt her pain and I didn't know if I would last, but I did, and now I'm here trying to fix the mess I did.

_I heard the words come out  
I felt like I would die  
It hurt so much to hurt you_

"Look maybe we can go there, by the playground so we could have a seat"

And I know that by the look she gives me it's a no. "You really think we could talk while Lindsey is a few inches away from us?"

"Well, since I've lost all my respect to you, and I have come to learn how sick of a bastard you are and I couldn't possibly see you any lower than I already do, why not! After all, there's nothing to lose!"

Despite her rude line, I still managed to say, 'Let's go'. Could she say that in any other way which could be harsher? But I can't really blame her, to her I'm the best friend/lover who promised her everything but then just deceived her and is now back as a self centered bastard and is using her daughter to get to her.

And that is why I have to talk to her; I want to let her see the truth.

I place my hand to the small of her back to lead her, but then she pushes me away and turns to me, "Don't touch me." she says with her brows fusing. And so I just nodded apologetically and kept my hands to my pocket. I know I shouldn't have done that, but I never really thought about my action, it was kind of an instinct, an action done by the subconscious mind, something I have grown doing ...

_Then you look at me  
you're not shouting anymore  
you're silently broken_

As we sat down the bench facing the slides where kids are taking turn on sliding. I face her and I start talking. "Catherine I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you-"

"Oh, God, Gil please! I've heard that line so many times before"

"But I'm really sorry"

"Sorry for what? For breaking my heart? For having my hopes up? For leaving me? for the lies and deception? For the way you left? For leaving me hanging here in Vegas and kept your where-about a secret? For making my daughter cling on you all the times you were gone? For destroying my dreams? What are you sorry for Gil? What!?"

"For all of it" was all that I could manage to say. I can feel my tears threatening to set loose, I know all those, but it's really hard when it is said out loud.

"Sorry won't change anything" And this time her tone is changed, it softened. And the look in her eyes is different. It isn't hate but it isn't love either, instead it's pain and disappointment, the things which I caused, and now I wish that its hate I see. It's much better to see than this.

_I'd give anything now  
to hear those words from you_

Nothing in her eyes says that she forgives me, and I'd do anything and give everything just for her to forgive me.

I love her, and I want to say that to her, but how could I? When she looks at me like that.

Tears are dwelling on her eyes, and I reach out to brush it off, but then she shove my hands away and she brushed her tears away, and as she brushed it away the look of pain and disappointment disappeared and again there was hate and anger.

"Catherine I want to explain – "

"Don't."

But I won't comply she has to hear what I have to say

_Each time I say something I regret_

_I cry I don't want to lose you.  
But somehow I know that you_

_Will never leave me, yeah._

"Catherine. You and Lindsey are my family, you are my life, and I can't keep on living without you. I never meant to hurt you, it killed me to leave you and go to Chicago. And Catherine, the truth is..."

This is it, I'm going to tell her my real reason of leaving and lying.

"The truth is –"

"Look Gil, just stop. Please." I try to find my voice to explain, but I can't, because she's looking at me, she's looking at me and her eyes are filled with emotions I've never seen there before. I can't distinguish what emotions, it's all too many and intense, and it's not shouting... it's not angry. Though I can't truly say what emotions I see, I could definitely say it's not anger... it's something more.

"You've fooled me once; don't think you can fool me again"

"Cath – "

"I'm moving on with my life, why don't you do yourself a favor and move on with yours." She sighs and she stands up, she turns her back and I can see from where I sit a glimpse of fresh hot tears running down her cheek.. or is this just me, imagining and wishing she feels something for me other than just hatred?

_'Cause you were made for me  
somehow I'll make you see  
how happy you make me_

"How am I supposed to move on if you're not with me?" I said to myself with my head bent down.

"Well leaving me was very easy, moving on would probably be just a zilch"

I raise my head and she's looking at me, her eyes are watery, and I know she's holding back her tears, I watch her turn her back away from me again and she heads towards her car and leaves.

I didn't mean for her to hear what I just said, I was just thinking out loud. I knew from the start she would hate me, I imagined worse scenarios of our meeting again, but now that I'm experiencing it, it's so hard to accept... probably because along with the worse scenarios and preparations I tried going through, I also have those great scenarios ... a happy ending by the end of it all.

I'm not going to let this happen. I won't give-up, not now. She has to see, just how much I love her, and no matter what she does to me to keep me away from her.. Well, it's not happening.

She won't leave me, her memory, her scent, her voice, everything about her won't leave me.

Her name has already been written on the palm of my hand, and her face is sketched on the flesh of my heart. Now, how am I to give up? And quite frankly, why would I want to?

She is my only chance of survival. She and Linds- my baby girl. They are my only reasons of living.

_I can't live this life  
without you by my side  
I need you to survive_

There are nights when I wake up with cold sweat dripping from my forehead because of a terrible dream.

There are nights when I am awaken not by my dreams or rather my nightmares but because of the throbbing hurting of head.

Times when I wake up, though I have been shot with all the pain killers there could be, I could still feel the pain from my session of chemo.

And I don't want to have sleepless nights, or drink any more warm milk, or take more pain killer pills, or be shot with another dose of sleeping pills. I don't want to keep on asking for and leaning at these artificial things for comfort any more. Sure there's my friend Angela who's trying to help me, but I still can't get enough comfort, and strength.

I need to feel her touch, the warmth of her skin against mine.

I need to hear her voice, the way she says my name, the way she screams at me when she's so pissed off, and of course the way she tells me this three simple words of how she feels for me which makes me see how my life is just so worthwhile.

I need to feel her breathe against my skin.

I need her, I need her to survive.

If I am to make a list of why I need her, it would take a very long while to finish, but then again, how am I supposed to make a list? I don't think I have the right or the ability to do so... probably because it is not possible. The reason of me needing her is beyond questioning and reason. She's Catherine. And I love her. And that's all to it, nothing more nothing less.

_So stay with me  
you look in my eyes and_

_I'm screaming inside that I'm sorry_

If only the word sorry could change anything. If only forgiveness is within my reach.

I want her to forgive me. I need her to forgive me. For all the lies and for the pain I caused her. For all that I have done which could be categorized as stupid. For someone with a PhD, I wonder how I became this dumb. But then again, emotions have no formula; you can never say what'll happen next. It has no procedure, it's free. It's free... free to be felt... but why is it I feel like I'm suffocating?

I'm drowning beneath my own emotions.

But I couldn't care less.

I just want her to forgive me.

"Catherine please, please forgive me."

That is all I ask... and I wonder, if I'm asking too much.

_Can you forgive me again  
you're my one true friend  
and I never meant to hurt you_

TBC


	21. Karma

Disclaimer: CSI and the song are both not mine

Spoilers: none

a/n: I am so, so, sorry for the delay! my computer got busted, so anyways... here's the next chap, it's in Cath's POV, the song used here is 'Karma by Alicia Keys' hope you'll enjoy... tell me watcha think!

Chapter twenty one: Karma

_Weren't you the one who said_

_That you don't want me anymore  
and how you need your space_

_And give the keys back to your door_

"How am I supposed to move on if you're not with me?, yea right! Bastard!"

I have never, in my whole life, met someone as desperate as him! Jeez! What a pathetic, self centered dope! Did he really think he could fool me twice?

'I'm sorry I never meant to hurt you' that is so passé, the least he could have done was to think of some new lines. Damn it! The nerve of him to come back to Vegas and see me and my daughter!

Speaking of my daughter there she is staring at me as I open the car.

"Where's daddy G?" she asks as she looked up, I just looked at her, I don't know what to say, so I'm just keeping my mouth shut and drove.

_And how I cried and tried and tried_

_To make you stay with me  
and still you said the love was gone_

_and that I had to leave_

I did my best to keep our relationship together. The night he came to say goodbye, I ran after him and begged for him to stay, I was barefoot and I was in my sleeping clothes but I didn't care. I waited all those weeks for his call, when I learned of his where-about I rushed to the airport just to see him.

Man! Now when I think of the scenarios I have been thinking of when I was on my way to Chicago, I could definitely say it is just so pathetically foolish! All the while I imagined him missing me, and telling me he loves me and all those mushy stuff that he does in his own Grissom way.

Oh, and I did received a Grissom way. The Grissom way I had is the Grissom way of deception.

He said he has someone else, and then what the hell is he doing here now?

One day his life revolves around me, the next he found someone else and now he realizes it's me he wants.

I cried till I fell asleep, I kept on crying though there's nothing more to cry. I denied, though reality is right in front of me, I made a fool of myself; I depended on him too much. I almost forgot that there is life to be lived without him.

He isn't worth it. No one is worthy enough to make me act like that again. Not again.

_now you  
talking bout a family,  
now you  
saying I complete your dream  
now you  
saying I'm your everything_

Me and LInds are his family. Yea right! If that's true, why didn't he think of it when he cheated on me?

And what was that he was saying about can't keep on living without me? – that's a really nice line, if only this is a romantic movie, then maybe it would be appreciated, but here and now in the real world, that is just so plain lame.

And what was that again? Oh, yea, that it killed him to leave me! what kind of a make up line is that? I never thought he would go on this desperate measures of lying!

It killed him? Come on! He was having the time of his life with that woman! And now he's telling me it killed him?

It killed him, and yet he's still alive! How I wish he isn't!

I'll tell him what would kill him... if he doesn't leave me alone – especially my daughter, I'm really going to kill him!

You're confusing me what you're saying to me  
don't play with me don't play with me

"Linds, what is that that you're holding?" I've been so corrupted on my thoughts of hatred towards GRISSOM, that I forgot to ask about what Lindsey's been holding,

"It's a gift from daddy G"

"A gift??!!!" I can't believe him! He's worse than Eddie! He's bribing my daughter!

"Yea a birthday gift"

"What is it?"

"Frames."

I glance up the mirror to see my daughter who is seated at the back of my car, "Frames?"

"Four frames with three butterflies each, all with different kinds and colors."

"Could I place it in my bedroom?"

"Well sweetie, you already are placing that cork bulletin board on your room, there's no more space for those frames"

"Are you sure?"

"Yea, it isn't placed yet, so mom could you just tell uncle Warrick that we won't be putting up the cork bulletin board anymore"

"I thought you said you want to be organized, and you don't want to forget about anything so you wanted to keep yourself reminded."

"I do, but I think I'll just have it the way daddy G does"

"And how is that?"

"I'll just let you handle everything."

_cause what goes around comes around  
what goes up must come down  
now who's crying desiring to come back to me_

Ha ha, very funny!

Grissom.Grissom.Grissom. Why the hell am I calling him in his last name? this is a very very good sign, I have successfully made it to the surname basis! From Grissom, to Gil, to Honey, and now back to Grissom... a few more years and I wouldn't have to call him anything coz I won't even know his name!

Now, that is my kind of life! No more Gil! Oh shit! Now I'm back to the first name thing again! Oh well, at least I'm not the one begging for forgiveness and declaring love though it is already known that everything is a big, big lie.

_Cause what goes around comes around  
what goes up must come down  
now who's crying desiring to come back to me_

I used to be that one, the disoriented, emotionally unstable, and still in high hopes lover. And now look at me; I'm facing reality while he wants me back.

Does he really want me back?

Jeez, who cares! Whether it's true or not, I don't want him back.

I really hope he wants me back.

Everything he says, all those reasons, and feeble lines, I know that all those are lies, but if there is one thing I would want to be true.. it is that he wants me back.

After all why would he go within these desperate measures if he doesn't?

Oh, yes he wants me back! I couldn't get any happier.

Coz in this way, I could make him feel how much it hurt.

_I remember when I was sitting home alone_

_Waiting for you till 3 o clock in the morn_

_And when you came home_

_You'd always have some sorry excuse_

_And then explain it to me like I'm just some kind of fool_

_I sacrificed the things I want to just to do things for you  
and when it's time to do for me  
you never come through_

Even before he left, he's been so distant and always missing. I couldn't keep track of his location, of his schedule. At the office, he is always preoccupied; he's been doing a little too much stuff. He tends to be able to make up excuses each time I expect him to be at my house, or to be sleeping in the same bed I am.

I remember one time, I couldn't reach him on his phone, he didn't answer my page, I barely saw him at work so I went straight to his house and he wasn't there. I didn't left till he came, and when he arrived, man, the look in his face! - Totally guilty of something. But at that time he gave me some lame excuse which I brainlessly took!

Up to know, I still don't know where he's been going, but I'm not sure I want to know.

Maybe he goes to Angela, or someplace else, after all I barely really know him.

He was so distant, he wouldn't talk to me or tell me what's wrong, then he comes by and bids me good-bye, and now he's begging for a talk.

_now you, wanna be up under me  
now you , have so much to say to me  
now you, wanna make time for me  
whatcha doin to me_

_You're confusing me_

_Don't play with me don't play with me_

"Okay we're here" I announced as I parked the car in front of my house.

I let my daughter in and she hurries to her room carrying Grissom's gift with her, and me, well I'll go back to the car and grab Lindsey's school bag, which she didn't bother to carry inside.

Okay, so here is Lindsey's bag and.... what is this?

* * *

_Here are the twelve of my most favorite beautiful butterflies, which I am giving to the most beautiful young lady, who happens to be my favorite girl in the world. Happy Birthday Linds!_

_Love,_

_Daddy G_

* * *

Shall I throw this? Yes I want to, but no, I can't. This card isn't mine, its Lindsey's.

Oh, she's asleep. That's fast, so.. where should I put this? Oh, I'll just place it here. Wait a minute.. what is this? ....

_cause what goes around comes around  
what goes up must come down  
now who's crying desiring to come back to me_

* * *

_My dearest Lindsey,_

_Sweetheart, by the time you've read this I won't be around,_

_I can't say exactly when I'll be back. Look Linds, please don't get mad,_

_I just have some business to attend to._

* * *

Business to attend to? Yea right!

* * *

_Lindsey, I just want you to remember that I love you very much,_

_and that I will always love you, and I'll always be your daddy G no_

_matter what._

* * *

No matter what? So, in other words, he already knows that something like this will happen.

* * *

_Be a good girl, always say your prayers before going to _

_bed, and Linds, try to be a little more obedient to your mom, you_

_know that she only wants the best for you. I know that I've told_

_You that so many times, but while I'm not around I won't be_

_able to remind you of it, and by now you should really try_

_and remember that._

* * *

You really tell her that, Gil? – uh I mean, Grissom.

* * *

_Take good care of yourself, and take care of your mom_

_for me. I love you both very much, and where ever I am, I will always_

_always love you both._

_Love,_

_Daddy G_

* * *

_What goes around comes around  
what goes up must come down  
now who's crying desiring to come back_

Okay, now I'm confused. Very, very, confused. He told Linds how much he loves us. He did, he really did.

Oh God! Catherine get a grip! If he really did, why leave? Why go to Chicago and elope with a high school sweetheart? Clearly he just did this for his name's sake! So that Linds would not despise him, as much as I do. Just a proof of his self centeredness!

But that isn't like him. He isn't political. He wouldn't write a letter like this if he didn't mean it, especially not to an innocent child. Besides, I wrote it! it's a letter! And he isn't really the type of person who is fond of letters, especially ones with too much emotions, ones with words of love. What I'm accusing him for is unbelievable, coz he isn't like that.

But what is he like? I don't even know him anymore! He lied to me and cheated, and now he's already messing with my head!

Catherine. He's a bastard! Whatever this is that he wrote to Linds, well, he wrote it to Lindsey, and what he wrote and what he did are telling two different stories! Besides you are not sure whether he really left for Angela or not, but one thing is for sure, he stayed there for Angela, and that's more than enough reason to get mad. So what if he came back for you? The damage has been done.

_Cause what goes around comes around  
what goes up must come down  
now who's crying desiring to come back to me_

Now that he has realized what he has lost, well, he's too late. He should have thought of things before doing it. things probably didn't work out with Angela, and now he wants me back, he's crying and desiring and that's all he can have. He can only have the desire coz I am not gonna come back to him!

I think I should have said something harsher, or maybe I should have stayed a little while longer. I want to see how he reacts, actually, what I really want to see is if he would even react.

Was he just playing games? Or did he really wanted me back?

Did he really meant what he said a little while ago?

Oh well, whether he meant it or not, I know that I hurt him. Maybe through the harsh words, or the guilt I reminded him of, or more likely, it would be because of rejection.

I rejected him, and he's hurt about it, probably because he expected that I'll be thankful he wanted me back, well sorry, but I don't want him back.

That cocky asshole, he must have thought that he could fool me again, well he can't.

And even if he doesn't intend to fool me this time, and that it just so happens that he realized that he needs me, well, there's only one thing I could conclude.

It's called karma Grissom!

_What goes around comes around  
what goes up must come down_

Gotta stop trying to come back to me

Have a taste of what you made me feel. The hurt and the pain.

I told you I love you, but you rejected me, and now I'm rejecting you.

I flew all the way to Chicago for you, and you flew all the way here to Vegas for me ...

I came back to Vegas with a shattered heart, and you Grissom, well, if you intend to give me your heart, I would just want to tell you that I won't take it.

And if you try to push me to take it, well I would be a good girl and warn you of the truth... that I have no intentions of holding it carefully.

The love you promised me, you gave to another woman. My heart that you once have shattered is now fixed, and I will be giving it to the person more worthy of my love, and though I'm not sure if I deserve his love, I know that he deserves mine .. and I will give it to him.

Go back to Angela Gil Grissom, while I give my heart to Warrick Brown.

_What goes around comes around  
what goes up must come down_

_It's called karma baby and it comes around  
now who's crying desiring to come back to me_

DING DONG

"Coming!"

"Catherine."

"What the hell are you doing here Grissom?"

_What goes around comes around  
what goes up must come down  
now who's crying desiring to come back to me_

TBC 


	22. Contradicting

Disclaimer: CSI and the songs used are not mine

Spoilers: none

A/N: I combined to songs in this fic, first is One more try by A1 the second one is As If by Blaque, this chap is a combination of Cath and Gil's POVs. Hope you'll enjoy! don't forget to review ... ppllleeaassee!!

Chapter twenty two: Contradicting

Could be your eyes,  
Could be your smile,  
Could be the way you freed my mind

I know it is stupid of me to follow her home, I should have just waited for her to calm down even a little, and let her have time to think... but I can't.

Seeing her again after all this times, I just want to stare at her. Though her eyes show a different kind of feeling towards me, it's still the blue eyes that I love.

And though her lips are not saying those sweet words, and instead she tells me harsh things, I still love her. And before I knew it I'm already here face to face with her.

_As if I'm ever gonna take you back _

_As if It's ever gonna come to that _

_So see you 'round, wave goodbye _

_Be a bird pass me by _

Okay, I thought I made it clear just an hour ago that I hate you and I don't want to see your face again?

Since when did he become so dumb that he didn't get that message? Or is he just that insensitive? Does he think coming here now would change any of the things I said earlier?

No Way!

"Please stop staring at me. what the hell are you doing here?"

Your precious touch caressed my soul,  
You gave me everything i need,  
And now i'm lost,  
Lost forever,

I'm here to kiss you, and hold you, and own you.

Of course, I can't say that.. not unless I want to be killed! Or maybe I can say that a little later when she's not so pissed and not about to slam the door to my face.

"CATH!" I stop the door from being shut.

"I have to talk to you."

_As if I'm gonna let you break my heart again _

_As if I'm gonna let your love back in my life _

_Not tonight, catch my drift _

_Baby as if _

"We've already talked"

"But you barely heard what I said"

Oh, I heard it alright! I heard all the lame sorry, and lies of excuses. Please Grissom, save yourself and me some dignity and stop with this foolishness and deception.

"I HATE YOU, what part of that don't you understand?"

Lost forever,  
And you said this is going nowhere, girl  
And you said i turned my back on,  
You said i'm not the only one for you

Actually Catherine my dear, I understand you perfectly, and that is why we have to talk. It is you who doesn't understand. Please let me explain!

"Cath"

"I've moved on. And if you think you can have me back, well you are so wrong coz you are not the only man in this world"

Catherine I know that. A lot of guys are drooling over you, that is why I never thought you'd ever like me or even love me. But you did, and I know you still do – or at least I hope so.

"You know Catherine, the opposite of love isn't hate."

_You gotta go,_

_you gotta go bye bye _

"And your point is?"

"I want to talk to you. We need to talk"

"You know Grissom, the opposite of yes, would always be no. So... Bye!"

Jeez Grissom, why don't you just go! Go away!!! This travesty is too childish! Why don't you just leave me alone?

"Look Grissom – "

rrriinngg... rrriinngg

The phone's ringing, shall I let him in? oh whatever! I'd just go inside and answer the phone and let him do as please.

"Hello. Catherine speaking"

"Hey sis, I have this friend whose kid is having a birthday party tomorrow, and she's inviting Linds"

"I have work tomorrow"

"It's okay, I'll take them there, is it okay if I come there now to pick her up so she could just spend the night at our place?"

"She's sleepi - , she's not sleeping." And I watch as my daughter take Grissom to her room.

"Cath, you still there?"

"Yea, yea, I'm here"

"I'll pick her up in 20 minutes"

"Okay"

Please give it one more try

for the sake of our love

How could I have left this? All of this.

I am now inside Lindsey's room. When Catherine left to answer the phone she left just like that and I wasn't sure whether I am to come in or not, and a few seconds later Lindsey just came out and came bouncing towards me.

She is currently curled up in my arms as we both appreciate the beauty of the butterflies inside the frame. I could feel Catherine's eyes on us, she's watching us, she always watches us. But this time is different, coz she isn't smiling.

Catherine, please listen to me. I want you back in my life. I love you, and I love Linds, and I miss this. Being here inside her house, the place which I consider my home... I can't explain it but it gives me comfort.

I am not ready to give this all up. How about you Catherine? Are you sure you want all this to be gone? I want to stay like this every single day. We have love Catherine, please don't throw it away, we still have a chance. Please let's try it one more time. One more time.

_I, I got places to go _

_With people you don't know _

_We're gonna dance all nice and slow _

Oh shit! I promised Warrick I'd cook dinner!

"Linds, aunt Nancy is gonna pick you up, she said you guys are going to a friend's birthday party tomorrow"

"I know, my things are packed already"

"They are?"

"Yea, Meagan told me she wants me on her birthday party, and aunt Nancy and I have agreed about it already"

"So you guys made plans already?"

I know I should be mad that she has made plans before asking me but at the moment that would be the least of my frustrations. I invited Warrick for dinner, and I haven't prepared anything and Grissom is still inside my house holding my daughter. I don't how to tell him to leave when I can see how happy Lindsey is right now.

But I do know that I don't want to watch the man I hate holding my daughter. And because I love my daughter more than I hate Grissom, I'm just gonna let them have some time alone and pray to God that Nancy arrives soon so I could kick Grissom's ass out the door.

Let's give it one more chance

cause i can't give you up

I watch Catherine's retreating form. Damn she's so beautiful. From the look on her face a little while ago, I know she isn't pleased seeing me here with Lindsey.

"I really hope aunt Nancy comes here soon"

"Don't you want to spend some more time with me?" I asked with a spurious sadness in my tone

"Of course I do, but I want to give you some time alone with mom"

"You think your mom would like some time alone with me?"

"I don't know. Maybe not. But I really want things to be like before; I miss you being always around."

"I will be always around when you need me sweet heart"

"But I want it to be like before. Like before I go to school, I get to see you and mom, and when I come back home I find you two still in bed and though I know you guys are still sleepy I still continue on talking about my day and you guys are half asleep and half listening. Most of the time I eventually doze off, and though you both crush me, I still like sleeping in the middle. "

"Don't worry, I'll find away to make things better again."

_Don't shake your head from left to right _

_Saying that you've changed and now you're on my side _

_Cause you know you just want some lucky charm _

_And it's that game that you play _

_So I'm moving on _

Why can't he just leave now? Why does he have to be cuddled up with my daughter? I really want to kick his ass out my house, but how can I?

"Catherine"

And here he is.

"I really have to talk to you"

"So talk"

"Do you promise to listen?"

"I promise to kick your ass out if you keep on wasting my god damn time"

I can't live one more day without you in my arms  
I could never find another like you

So where do I start? Do I start by telling her that I love her? Or do I start with saying my apology?

"Let's give it another try Cath." Oh shit! Did I just say that out loud? I'm guessing I did, coz she's giving me that look of disgust and disbelief.

That is a very, very good thought, but is definitely not the best way to start my speech.

_As if I'm ever gonna take you back _

_As if It's ever gonna come to that _

And I try to process what I just heard, is he serious?

"Are you nuts?!" Jeez! He is crazy!

After what you did, you come here and you want to give it another try? Another chance to cheat on me? You bastard!

I'm sorry Grissom, but I am not gonna take you back, I never will.

"I really believe that we –"

"There is NO 'WE' Grissom. There's you, and there's me, but no we. Because WE are OVER."

He doesn't speak, he just looks at me as if not believing what I just said. Believe me, I never wanted to believe it either, but that was before, I'm awake now... and now I'm not coming back to him.

DING DONG! DING DONG!

Nancy's here.

Could be the lies,  
Could be my pride  
Could be the days and nights so wild

We are over. We are over. And it's my entire fault. The second she interrupted me my mind raced for possible counter strikes, but what she said just caught me off guard. I have never heard it out loud before, and it hurts to hear it, especially coming from her.

Yes it is true, I never cheated on her, but I lied. And the main reason why she never had the idea of my check-ups before I went to Chicago was partly because I didn't want to believe it and I like my hearing... I thought that it would just go away.

_So be a dear, disappear _

_Maybe I'm not being clear _

"Is that who I think it is?"

"Yea, it's him"

"What the hell does he think he's doing here?"

"He's trying to get me back"

"The bastard!" I grab my sister's arm to stop her from walking up to Grissom whose back is on us.

"I can handle it"

"Are you sure?"

"Oh come on, after what he did to me?"

"Don't kill him okay? I don't want to have a convict for a sister"

"I won't" no matter how much I want to, I can't.

Could be the times i wasn't there  
And all the nights we didn't share  
And now you're lost,  
Lost forever

Lindsey goes up to me carrying her bag pack with her ready to leave. I give her a tight squeeze and a kiss on the cheek, Catherine walks Linds and Nancy to the door. As Catherine opens the door Lindsey runs back to me.

I bend down to let her whisper to me, "Go get mom! Okay?!"

"I will."

I will. I lost her to Eddie, I lost her to my stupidity, and I just can't keep on losing her forever...

_As if _

_I'm gonna let you break my heart again _

_As if I'm gonna let your love back in my life _

_Not tonight, get a grip _

_Baby as if _

Basing from that look my daughter has I'm guessing that it's about me. And though I really hate to disappoint you my dear daughter, I'm not going to let that man you call dad back in my life.

And as I close the door and turn my attention to the man who has been staring at me, "What?"

"Forgive me Catherine."

"You are asking too much. But I'll think about it."

"Let's give it one more try"

"Okay, now you're delusional!"

What are you some kind of a dummy? I've been telling you to go away since we've seen each other and now you want to get back with me? Don't you get it?

I am not letting you back in my life!

Lost forever  
And you said this is going nowhere, girl  
And you said i turned my back on  
You said i'm not the only one for you

Delusional? I am not delusional!

"Catherine, I didn't cheat on you."

"Stop lying!"

"I'm trying to explain"

"Explain what?" Jeez, Catherine how the hell am I suppose to explain to you if you're acting like this?

But truthfully.... I've missed this part of her. I've missed her, and our arguments which eventually leads to furious and aggressive sex.

_As If _

_I'm gonna let you break my heart again _

_As if _

_I'm ever gonna take you back _

_As if _

_It's ever gonna come to that _

_So see you 'round, wave goodbye _

_Be a bird pass me by _

He didn't cheat?!?

What the hell is he trying to say?

What the hell is he trying do again? Lie again? Fool me again?

Why don't you just go away now? Nothing you say would EVER change how I feel. I am not gonna let you fool me again. I am not letting you back in my life. Don't you get that?

"I did not cheated on you"

"Of course you didn't! All you did is leaving me and went to Chicago to fuck with your high school sweetheart!"

I can't sleep,

i can't live without you by my side

"Don't talk to Angela like that!" I didn't go there and fuck someone! Angela deserves to be respected. She has nothing to do with this! She kept me sane and helped me through everything!

All the nights that I couldn't sleep, all the times that I felt so low, all the moments that I felt like giving up, she was there. And she was also the one who told me that I must accept the fact that I'm gonna have to tell Catherine the truth and that I need Cath back in my life.

"Oh! I am ssooo sorry Grissom, if I have offended your girlfriend in ANY way"

"She is not my girlfriend."

"You guys broke up. I figured as much, and that's probably why you're here coz you screwed everything up with her"

"That is not true"

"Then what is true?"

"I went to – "

rrriiiinngggg rrriiinnnggg

_As if _

_I'm gonna let you break my heart again _

_As if I'm gonna let your love back in my life _

_Not tonight, get a grip _

Who the hell can that be?

"Let the machine get it." Grissom says, and I am more than happy to comply. I really want to amuse myself... so tell me Griss, how will you lie for this?

"Hey Cath! Warrick here..." Oh shit it's Warrick on the phone!

"I have to get it" I announced as I ran towards the phone.

"Hey!"

"Something came up, I'm really sorry!! What do you say about tomorrow?"

"Okay bye! Take care"

So cold, so lost without you as my guide  
You made me realize I'm nothing,

From listening to Catherine talking to Warrick.... Well, it just seems that she sounds a little too friendly. Kind of reminds me of how she talked to the phone with that guy Chris, the new friend she told me about.

Enough about that Gil! You are not here to think about her relationship with Warrick- (whom I am sure is just a FRIEND), or her relationship with anyone else except her relationship with YOU.

I am nothing without her and I am not leaving this house till I tell her the truth. And that is my main goal, to get her to listen to me.

_Baby as if _

_I'm gonna let you break my heart again _

_As if I'm gonna let you try and be my friend _

_It's the end, take the hint _

_Baby as if _

I hung up the phone and face back to Grissom. I can't take it anymore! I can't take listening to all his lies and excuses! All his attempts of getting me back! AS IF that's gonna work!

So tonight, I only have one goal. And that is, to get him out of my life.

Nothing without you

TBC


	23. It's all coming back to me now

Disclaimer: CSI and the songs are both not mine

Spoilers: none

Ratings: NC-17

A/N: First of all, thanks for all the reviews! and sorry for keeping this too long, anyways, this chap would be a little different from what you probably expected. Anyways, this is my first time writing a NC-17 so .... I apologize for anything! the song used here is 'It's all coming back to me now' by Celine Dion

Chapter twenty three: It's all coming back to me now

_There were nights when the wind was so cold  
That my body froze in bed  
If I just listened to it  
Right outside the window_

"Cath"

"Please leave"

"I love you"

"Please leave"

"Catherine-"

This time I raise my head and I look at him and I beg for him to go away, "Please. Leave me." He nods and silently stands up and get dressed as I clutch at the white blanket covering my naked body, I turn my back from him and I hear his footsteps going away.

And at last he left. At last I'm alone again.

_There were days when the sun was so cruel  
That all the tears turned to dust  
And I just knew my eyes were  
Drying up forever_

So I stand up and head to the bathroom, I open the shower and let myself indulge to the comfort the water brings. I lean my back to the wall and I slowly sink down until I'm almost seated on the floor.

I've cried a lot before, too much that it was almost out of character, but that was how I felt. And now I feel my tears gliding down my face again.

Haven't I suffered enough? Haven't I cried enough?

_I finished crying in the instant that you left  
and I can't remember where or when or how  
and I banished every memory you and I had ever made_

I was doing so well. I started moving on, I learned to live my life without him, I managed to be happy.

Getting over that heartbreak was tough, but I got over it. And I'm proud of myself for doing so. Little by little I was healed, there was no specific time when it happened, it just did. I didn't even noticed it until I was over it already.

But then he came back.

_But when you touch me like this  
And you hold me like that  
I just have to admit  
That it's all coming back to me_

When Lindsey left with Nancy and I was left alone with Gil, my mind was set to get him out of my life. We were talking when the phone rang, I answered it and it was Warrick. After hanging up the phone I turned to face Gil. I was so determined to humiliate him to himself and make him face the fact that he and I are over and so he must get along with his life and leave me alone.

He was telling me how sorry he was and how much he loved me, and before he can tell me any more of his lies I walked out. I went to my bedroom to get that box where I placed all the stuff that is somehow connected with him.

I've been waiting for that chance, the chance to throw it to his face. After getting the box out of the closet, I turned around and he was there. He followed me to the bedroom. I gave the box to him with a force of impact making sure it hits his chest. I told him that it was all his stuff and that I don't want to see him and any of those trashes inside my house.

_When I touch you like this  
And I hold you like that  
It's so hard to believe but  
It's all coming back to me  
(It's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now)_

I was heading to the door ready to lead him out of my bedroom, then out of the house, but then he grabbed my arm. "Why won't you listen to me?" he asked me. I just gave him that look of disgust that I've been giving him all day long.

Then he pressed his lips to mine. I tried to push him away but I couldn't because he was gripping on both my arms. He pressed his lips harder to mine, but I refused to give in. He just kept on trying to kiss me, and I kept on fighting it, by not responding and trying to turn my head back. I even thought of using my knee to inflict pain on his manhood.

But somewhere between that thought and the act of doing so, I lost it.

_There were moments of gold  
And there were flashes of light  
There were things I'd never do again  
But then they'd always seemed right  
There were nights of endless pleasure  
It was more than any laws allow  
Baby Baby_

I didn't know what I was thinking. Up to now, I still don't know what I was thinking. But quite frankly, I don't think I was thinking at all.

He pushed himself closer to me and I gave in. I stopped fighting. I stopped my head from turning; I stopped trying to get my arms freed. Then he loosens the grip on me. I started kissing him back, and his tongue found its way to my mouth. His hands started to go around my waist, and my hands started touching his chest and snaking its way around his neck.

He pulled me closer to him, and I pulled him closer to me.

Thinking back now, I can see that, that was so wrong, and I know that it is wrong, but it just felt so right.

_If I kiss you like this  
And if you whisper like that  
It was lost long ago  
But it's all coming back to me_

_If you want me like this  
And if you need me like that  
It was dead long ago  
But it's all coming back to me_

The whole time we were kissing my eyes were closed, it was like we were both under a spell... or at least I was.

He wasn't saying any words, and neither was I.

Then I felt our movement. We were turning around then he was going forward while I was walking backwards; we were going towards the bed.

Slowly we lay down. And when I opened my eyes, I was staring directly into his. Everything didn't seem to matter; somehow I have forgotten everything that happened, his lies and deception, all my heartaches and hatred. All I saw was him.

_It's so hard to resist  
And it's all coming back to me  
I can barely recall  
But it's all coming back to me now  
But it's all coming back_

I undid the top button of his shirt, then the second, and then I closed my eyes as his lips found mine again. I continued my task on his shirt, I wasn't on a hurry, and neither was he.

When I finally undid the last button, I took it off him gently while he was kissing me around the neck. Then we sat up, and he started undoing my shirt kissing the new skin that gets exposed. I kept my eyes closed, probably to savor the moment.

He unclasped my bra and he lay me down again. He started nipping on my breast and I started moaning lightly. He was kissing his way downwards, and finally he got my pants off me and was soon followed by my underwear. He started to kiss me between the legs and it was really good.

_There were those empty threats and hollow lies  
And whenever you tried to hurt me  
I just hurt you even worse  
And so much deeper_

When I saw him again at Lindsey's school earlier, all I did was to say harsh words. But they were all true, and that was probably why they were all so harsh, because what he did to me was harsh.

All day long I've wanted to hurt him; I want him to feel what I felt. He has been apologizing but never did I give him a chance to say any further. I know that he's just going to tell me some lie, just like what Eddie used to do.

I told him harsh words and I made him face facts. The facts of how much I hate him, and that he is just like Eddie, probably even worse.

Okay, maybe not worse, but the pain he caused me is probably the greatest one I've suffered through all the years of my life.

_There were hours that just went on for days  
When alone at last we'd count up all the chances  
That were lost to us forever_

When he left me that night, everyday I've been waiting for him to come back. I never lost hope, I cried and prayed and all this are for him. And when I came back home after that hideous trip to Chicago, true I was hurting, and I was cursing him and hating him and wanting to get over him... but a part of me was still hoping.

And then Warrick got into the picture.

Warrick showed me how it is to be loved again. He treated me like I'm a queen. I was happy with Warrick, he's kind, humorous and he understands me. We haven't told anyone in the lab of our dating, and the fact that Warrick is courting me and is telling me how much he loves me almost everyday.

I wasn't ready to enter a relationship yet. Every time he tells me he loves me, I some how see blue eyes instead of brown. But one day, he again told me he loves me, and all I saw was him. I saw Warrick.

_But you were history with the slamming of the door  
And I made myself so strong again somehow  
And I never wasted any of my time on you since then_

Lindsey stopped asking about Gil. And I stopped thinking of him. No one in the lab bothered to ask me about him. No one really cared.

Or maybe they did, they just didn't want me to know of it.

All my free time I spend it with Lindsey and Warrick, and I'm very happy, I was so contented and didn't even have any time to think of him – not that I even wanted to.

I got over him. I didn't miss him, think of him, longed for him or yearned for him.

Or at least that's what I thought.

_But if I touch you like this  
And if you kiss me like that  
It was so long ago  
But it's all coming back to me_

He kissed me between the legs, and started tasting me, and then his tongue traveled its way back to my lips. Again he started kissing his way downwards, but I stopped him. I'm not sure why but I just wanted his lips to remain with mine – but it's probably to make sure that I wasn't dreaming.

And he did as I pleased.

Then I felt his finger enter me. He started rubbing me, and then he entered another finger inside. He started kissing me around the neck again and I started moaning for the pleasure I was feeling.

_If you touch me like this  
And if I kiss you like that  
It was gone with the wind  
But it's all coming back to me  
(It's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now)_

I was almost reaching the edge but then he stopped. He got his fingers out, and I had my legs opened for him. Slowly he thrust in me. His thrusts were slow and gentle, and I know that we were both savoring every thrust made.

But then I needed him to get faster, and without any words coming from me, he did. He always knew what to do and when to do it.

I moaned his name, and I heard him moan mine. And that was what really brought me to the edge.

And we came together.

_There were moments of gold  
And there were flashes of light  
There were things we'd never do again  
But then they'd always seemed right  
There were nights of endless pleasure  
It was more than all your laws allow  
Baby, Baby, Baby_

After feeling the waves of pleasure, my brain started working again.

And I was horrified. "I love you" he whispered in my ear. And I shook my head from side to side... "This is wrong" was all I said. I moved away from him and covered myself with the sheets.

"Cath"

"Please leave"

"I love you"

"Please leave"

"Catherine-"

"Please. Leave me."

And then he left. And I'm here taking a shower.

_When you touch me like this  
And when you hold me like that  
It was gone with the wind  
But it's all coming back to me  
When you see me like this  
And when I see you like that  
Then we see what we want to see  
All coming back to me  
The flesh and the fantasies  
All coming back to me  
I can barely recall  
But it's all coming back to me now_

I wasn't thinking, I just acted. After my release, everything dawn at me again.

How much he pained me and how much I hate him.

But right now, there's another thing dawning on me. and it's the fact that I long for him. For his touch and his kiss.

I seem to have forgotten how good it felt. I have forgotten how complete I feel when I'm with Gil ... and it's all coming back to me now.

_If you forgive me all this  
If I forgive you all that  
we forgive and forget  
and it's all coming back to me_

Frankly speaking, everything felt so right ... until now. I want to forgive him, at the same time I don't. And even if I do forgive him, I'm not sure I really want him back in my life.

Yes, I did felt good, but one night can't just erase what he did to. Gil betrayed me, and I can't forgive myself if I ever make a fool out of myself again.

And again, I am back to the first name basis. I got used to calling him Grissom, and now its back to Gil.

When I call him by his name I feel something different. I feel a little sting, probably because it was the name that I was moaning all through out the night.

We said nothing while we were doing that act of impulsiveness. I was under a spell, I was under his spell.

The only thing to be heard was moans. Me moaning his name, and him moaning mine.

_When you see me like this_  
_And when I see you like that  
We see just what we want to see  
All coming back to me  
The flesh and the fantasies  
All coming back to me  
I can barely recall but it's all coming back to me now_

What happened to us, wasn't of lust. It was something more.

It was so much more than lust. It was full of longing and passion and...

And I'd rather not say the last word, coz I don't want it to be true.

_(It's all coming back to me now)  
And when you kiss me like this  
(It's all coming back to me now)  
And when I touch you like that  
(It's all coming back to me now)  
If you do it like this  
(It's all coming back to me now) release  
And if we, , ,_

TBC


	24. Breath easy

Disclaimer: CSI and the song are both not mine

Spoiler: none

A/N: Thanks for all the reviews, this one's in Grissom's POV. the song used here is breath easy by blue. sorry for all the mistakes.. it's all on me. please tell me what you think.

Chapter twenty-four: Breath easy

_Cruel to the eye  
I see the way he makes you smile_

It's Jim's birthday today, his daughter phoned me a little earlier today to invite me for a surprise party for her father. Allie – Jim's daughter, well they weren't exactly on very good terms, but that was before when I came back Jim told me all about the good things that happened. He and his daughter are now getting along great, and I'm happy for my friend.

Allie told me that she was trying to contact me two days ago but she couldn't reach me, I told her I was attending on some personal business.

Two days ago I made love with the only woman in my life. She was fierce, she wanted me out and she gave me this box of all the things I gave her, but I wasn't affected by that, I didn't let that affect me. So instead I kissed her. I kissed her and everything else followed through. We made love, and I can say that I was fully aware of what was happening while we were making love, I watched her every reaction, and I listened to her moans. Moans of pleasure and of my name.

When we reached our release, everything changed. It was like she was just under a spell and suddenly she was terrified.

She asked me to leave, and I did, I didn't want to but that look in her eyes. She was begging for me to leave, she was hurting while she's looking at me. And I can't bear to stand how much she regrets what happened.

It was the most beautiful thing for me, while she on the other hand is regretting it.

_Cruel to the eye  
watching him hold what used to be mine_

As it seems I'm the first one to arrive, "Hi Allie"

"Good to see you, Mr. Grissom" she offered me a light smile as she welcomed me inside. I started to help her out with a few stuff the door bell rang, one by one the room started to get filled, first by the cops and soon Dr. Robbins came inside, Greg, Sara and Nick following him.

"Hey Griss!" Greg greeted me. And I'm glad, the look in his eyes now isn't as awful as it was the other day when we met, Nick's gaze at me softened too, but not Sara's. Definitely not Sara's. I guess the fact that she learned on what I did first hand and the fact that she was placed to that position is the biggest trouble of all.

The door bell rings again, Allie opened it and Catherine came in, she came in with her hands entwined with Warrick's. As soon as they went inside, they've let go of each other's hands, but I saw it... it was entwined, they were holding hands. He was holding her hands the way I did. And it this point I know what it means.

So that's why she regretted what happened to us so much.

_Why did I lie?  
What did I walk away to find  
Ooohhh - why... ooohhh - why..._

All the lights are turned off as soon as we heard Jim's car engine arrived.

"SURPRISE!!!" we all shouted at once, I could see how happy my friend is. And I'm glad for him. Everybody settled with their plates and engaged themselves on socializing, while I stand at the corner trying to be invisible.

"I haven't seen you in a while"

"Hi Doc"

"What happened to you?"

"I needed some time to think"

"You're sick aren't you?"

I look at Doc Robbins straight in the eyes.. "I'm a doctor Gil, and I'd say the chances of you being sick is from very good to excellent"

I nod silently

"Does Catherine know?"

With this I glance to where Catherine is, she's laughing with something Nick has said, then they all fell into a silence, and then she raised her hand entangled with Warrick's. Looks like they just announced something as the crowd started cheering, and she gave him a light kiss on his lips.

"I doubt she cares" came my reply after a few moments as I turned my gaze away from Catherine. I couldn't stand it.

"You should have told her"

"Doc, if you were in my position, would you tell the woman you love that you're dying?"

"If that means I get to spend the last moments of my life with her, then YES."

There was long pause but Doc Robbins broke it

"Gil, what kind sickness is this that we're talking about?"

"Brain Cancer."

"There is cure to that"

"My body stopped responding"

"Don't lose hope Gil"

"I really don't care anymore"

"What? Why?"

"I was just fighting for my life because of Catherine, and now I have no more reason to fight" with that I left, I looked for Jim to greet him a happy birthday and I turned to leave. On my way out I saw Catherine's look of surprise, I look at her and our eyes locked, then I looked away and got out of the house.

She didn't know I was there, I'm very good with making myself invisible, and it's either that or she's just too busy with Warrick.

_I can't breath easy  
can't sleep at night  
Till you're by my side_

As I drive my way back to my house I can feel my heart throbbing with pain. It's far worse than the throbbing pain I get with my head.

And as I arrive home all I can think of is sleep. I want to sleep to forget all about this, I don't want to feel anymore. I don't want to feel the heartache, and I don't want to feel this headache. So before I get to bed I grab some painkiller for my head, and now I'm heading to bed.

Painkillers for my head and a long sleep for my heart.

_No I. can't breath easy  
I can't dream yet another  
without you lying next to me  
there's no air_

And I can't sleep. I can't forget what I saw earlier today. They were holding hands, and they were laughing together, she kissed him and he kissed her, when I left she was sitting in his lap.

There was this look in her eyes that I can't figure out what; it's neither anger nor love. When I made that lie I wanted her to be happy, to find someone new.

Now that she has I can't explain how I feel.

I can still remember the way she taste. So sweet, and uniquely her. I can still hear her voice, her moans. My name on her lips, wanting me.

And alas, all this is followed by the set of eyes I saw before I left her room that day.

How could she regret something I hold so precious for?

_Curse me inside  
for every word that caused you to cry  
Curse me inside_

I hate myself for all that I've done.

For all the lies, and the coward ness.

For all the pain and sorrow.

For being so weak and useless

For being so hurt

For giving up

For losing her

For losing hope

And for loving her so much

_I won't forget, no I won't baby,  
I don't know why (don't know why)  
I left the one i was looking to find  
Ooh - why....ooooh, why - why...._

I looked for a cure, for a way for me to survive from this sickness, and all the while I had everything I needed.

Everything I needed, I left behind.

I left my source of hope, my source of strength and my very reason of fighting.

Perhaps I should have told her about what's really happening instead of running away... but then again I doubt I could.

'Catherine baby, I know I told you I'd always be here, but I can't. I love you but I'm dying.'

What a line huh? But maybe that one is too morbidly exaggerated. So let's just go with the truth, it's not like I'm dying... YET.

'Catherine, I'm going to Chicago to see my ex who could help me coz the doctor's here said I have brain cancer and Angela my good friend happens to be the top neurosurgeon in the country. So what do you say, want to accompany me?'

Yea right, like I'm going to let her drop everything in her life for me.

Oh well, I'm gonna sleep now, and in my sleep I'm going to be so much happier ... and I can't wait to fall asleep .....

_I can't breath easy  
can't sleep at night  
Till you're by my side_

I glance at my watch, it's 6am, that's weird I slept longer than usual. Probably coz I enjoyed my dream so much. And I don't think I need to elaborate on what my dream was about.

I usually am a rational man. Notice the word 'usually'?

It's so weird how emotions could affect one's way of thinking and decision-making. And probably the other reason for my illogical actions is my sickness.

Could you believe that? My heart is broken and my brain has cancer... talk about disorder!

I can't get any worse than this!

_No I can't breath easy  
I can't dream yet another  
Without you lying next to me  
There's no air_

Catherine's with Warrick, she was terrified with what happened to us, probably because she's now in love with Warrick.

But that can't be right! When we were making love, I saw love in her eyes. She loves me, she still does. And I know that I wasn't just wishful thinking, for I know that look very much.

But perhaps I must let go. Coz even if she still loves me, she's going to be so much happier with Warrick.

I'd rather her be happy than me.

I park my car and I saw him getting ready to leave, he has just finished processing the crime scene, I'm positively sure that he's doing this solo, or if he's not he surely isn't doing this case with Catherine. They're together now and if they work on a case together there's a big chance that their credibility be questioned.

_Out of my mind  
Nothing makes sense anymore  
I want you back in my life_

I walked towards him.

"Warrick"

"Grissom! What are you doing here?"

I can see he's not very happy.

"Do you love her?"

He nodded. And I smile that's all I wanted to know.

"Take care of them."

"I will."

With that I walk back to my car and left. I didn't notice that I've been crying, but I am, when I glanced at my rear view mirror I had tears falling down my eyes. I can't believe what I just did.

I'm letting another man take care of my family. And I'm so helpless. I can't do anything but that, coz I know I can't take care of them anymore, yet I want to ... but I can't.

_That's all I'm breathing for  
Ooooooohhhh - tell me why_

TBC


	25. Unshed tears

Disclaimer: CSI and the song are both not mine

Spoilers: none

A/N: the song used here is 'Don't cry out loud' by Melissa Manchester, hope you'll like it. Cath's POV

Chapter twenty-five: Unshed tears

_Baby cried the day the circus came to town  
'cause she didn't want parades just passin' by her_

I saw him the other day. At Jim's birthday, I had the feeling he would be there, when I entered that house I could feel him, he's there, but I didn't dare search for him. After a little later I saw him, he was leaving and he has that look in his eyes.

After what happened to us, after we, I'm not sure what to call it, made love? Had sex? Anyways, after that, well, the next thing I knew, I regretted everything.

The next day, I saw Warrick he told me he loves me, and I told him that I love him too.

And I do. I really do.

But when he kisses me, I can't help but to compare Gil's – I mean, Grissom's kisses. How much it felt better, not that Warrick's a bad kisser, coz he happens to be a very good kisser, it's just that it doesn't give me this feeling.

That electric feeling, the one that sends butterflies to my stomach, the one with so much passion that I can't resist ... the one that feels so RIGHT.

_So she painted on a smile and took up with some clown  
while she danced without a net upon the wire_

Anyways Warrick and I announced to everyone that we're together back at Jim's birthday, they were really happy for us, Sara was really glad for me, Nick gave Warrick a high-five, Greg was, well .. he's Greg, need I say more? And Jim congratulated us, Doc Robbins, well Doc Robbins just sighed, and he did congratulated us but he seemed upset about it. I don't know why, but maybe he just has his own problems.

I want to forget Gil, I mean Grissom. I want to forget about him, I want to forget what happened to us that night, or rather that afternoon. I don't want to be sad no more, I don't want to live in sadness, and heart-breaking memories of him.

So what if I've loved him for more than a decade? I can get over that.

I'm gonna smile and I'm going to move on with Warrick. I'm gonna have a new life, and a new love. This time I'm gonna make sure that Grissom's memory will haunt me no more.

_I know a lot about her 'cause, you see  
Baby is an awful lot like me_

So I guess I'm going to have to throw this away. This little BIG spider.

This is the one he left when he went to Chicago, and it's still in my office, I'm staring at it again. I'm not really sure I can throw him away, I've been accustomed to his presence... isn't that right, little spidey?

Grissom is really going to hate me for calling his favorite spider, spidey! Oh look it's time to feed you spidey, but before that I have to feed myself too, I'm going to grab an apple at the break room first.

"Oh, hi Nick! Are you finished with your case?"

"I'm just taking a break boss!"

"Oh okay."

And now I leave Nick and head back to my office.

Where the hell is spidey?! Oh my god, spidey, where are you? Did you crawl out? No, Catherine! Dummy! His cage is missing too!

"Hey Greg, did you come inside my office?" I asked as I saw Greg passed by

"Um yeah" came his scared voice

"Did you take anything?"

"Um. Uh."

"Greg!"

"Grissomcameandaskedmetogethisspider"

"What? I didn't understand a word you said"

"Grissom came and asked me to get his spider "

"What! That is my spider!"

So I rush to the main door, and there he is walking to his car with MY spidey.

_Don't cry out loud  
Just keep it inside, learn how to hide your feelings_

I walk back to my office, locked the door and closed all the blinds. Hot fresh tears are falling again.

And this is all because of spidey!

I guess having spidey made me feel that Gil- I mean Grisso- oh what the hell! I don't want to be fake anymore!! It's Gil! I want to call him Gil! I'm used to calling him that! And though that name reminds me of everything that happened I'm still gonna call him that!

It made me feel that Gil is always around, and that someday we'd be together. Because in my heart of hearts I still love him. I don't want to fool myself anymore, I do love him. Yes, I just said that I love Warrick, but that doesn't mean I don't love Gil anymore.

Stop fooling yourself Catherine! You can lie to anybody, and everybody of what's true, you can live your life in one big lie but you can't lie to yourself. You know the truth, you feel the truth. And the truth is ... you still love him.

And you know that main reason of you crying again is because you saw him. You saw him and he's leaving with spidey.

Any kind of fool would know what that means.

He's saying good-bye.

He's not coming back.

And this time, you're sure that it would be permanently. No more maybe someday, there will be no more someday. This is where it all ends, no more hopes, no more expectations.

I told him to leave, to get lost, to get out of my life, but it hurts. It hurts so much.

_Fly high and proud  
And if you should fall, remember you almost had it all_

I can't think of him anymore. It's wrong. We almost had it all. All the joy and love, all turned to nothing. I can't stand being here; I need to go home.

So I open the door of my office, and once again I'm to face the world and I have to pretend. A world where I can't let them see me cry, where I have to be strong, the independent, and gutsy Catherine. The one who has moved on, the one who doesn't cry.

I start walking with my head held high and a smile across my face. But who am I fooling? Why do I have to keep this mask of mine? If you will look into my eyes, I know what you'll see.

It's the one thing you least expect, the one thing even I can't accept. It's full of unshed tears.

I should not be crying or hurting this much, after all I do have Warrick. So what if he'll never be Gil? At least I know he'd never hurt me, I just wish I wouldn't hurt him.

_Baby saw that when they pulled that big top down  
They left behind her dreams among the litter_

Warrick has so many dreams for me, for us.

Just like Gil.. but I know that this is different, coz with Warrick, dreams won't be just dreams, I know that it will come true.

No more broken promises, no more broken vows, no more heartaches, no more lies.... At least on his part

Life would be full of contentment, we would have a family, he would love me, I would love him. And we don't have to lie to each other, he won't cheat on me, I know I won't do that to him.

He will never lie to me, I would never lie to him... the only person I'm lying to is me.

_The different kind of love she thought she'd found  
There was nothin' left but sawdust and some glitter_

For the sake of everything that ever means something. For everything that I've been through. For the future that awaits, for a new life, for a new love, for me, for my daughter, and for Warrick.

I'm gonna have to keep this thing I'm feeling bottled up inside. Someday I'll let it go, but right now, while it's here, I have no plans on showing it to anyone.

So what if I'm crying inside? As long as I don't cry out loud, it would be okay.

_But baby can't be broken 'cause you see  
She had the finest teacher-that was me-I told her_

I'm used to this, to keeping things secret. And so as I close my bedroom door, I just can't walk towards my bed. I just came in my room, because this is the one place where crying seems to be safe, where I am confident no one would hear me.

I've cried a lot of times in this room.

And now I'm crying here again, but I'm not sobbing, coz my cries are just silent ones. I'm sitting on the floor with my back on the door, and I'm just staring at the bed. I made love with Gil. And no I would not correct what I just said. I made love with him, period.

I don't know what it was for him, but for me, even if I did regret it, even if I am regretting it now, I know that at that time. While we were doing it, I was doing it because I loved him.

_Don't cry out loud  
Just keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings_

I hate him and I love him both at the same time.

I will keep this pain I feel, I will keep this love I feel for him. What we had, well it has ended.

We almost had it all, but maybe we're just not meant to be.

I would keep this as secretly as possible, it's bad enough that this is the way I feel, because it is wrong, why make it worse by expressing it? Right?

When it comes to specialties, looks like hiding feelings is mine. I just wish that this will be the one trait that my daughter never gets from me.

_Fly high and proud  
and if you should fall, remember you almost had it all_

I don't know how long I can keep this though. But I have to try. I almost had it all but I lost it, we almost had it all, Gil and I with Linds, we had it all .... But we lost it.

Now God gave me another chance to have it all, and I won't waste it, I won't waste it over something that happened in the pass.

I'm gonna start this new life with Warrick, with my head held up high, and my heart as a whole. Gil would always have a place in my heart, because when you love someone once, you can never erase them totally, but all he has is a place, he won't own it anymore.

He's been holding my heart in his hands for a very long time, long before we became a couple, and even after, I have proven this when we made love. He still has my heart in his hands, and I do believe that earlier today, when he took spidey ... he's letting go of my heart. He's giving it back to me.

_Don't cry out loud  
Just keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings_

And I thank him.

Years ago he took it from me, like a thief. He has been holding it for years, and finally we became a couple. Then he crushed it with his bare hands ... and now he's giving it back. And I'm glad.

He's letting me go. And I'm letting him go. But the memories would remain. It always will.

And I think I'm ready to sleep now. I'm ready to sleep in my bed without thinking of him. If I get through this tonight then I know that I can get going.

_Fly high and proud  
and if you should fall, remember you almost made it_

What a beautiful day! Oh shit I'm late for work!!

"You look cheerful today, what's up?" Sara greeted me as I entered the break room

"I got through last night" I muttered in my breath

"What?"

"Nothing. I'm just happy" I replied plainly, as Warrick joined us in the room

"Hey guys!" he greeted Nick and Sara, "Hey" he greeted me with that smile he saves specially for me, "Hey yourself"

"Okay, uh, are you guys gonna kiss? Coz if you are, we need to be warned!"

"No, Nick we're not gonna do that, we can't do that here"

"Oh man" Warrick feigned a sound of disappointment, "But we can do something about that later, what do you think?" I whispered in his ear with a wink, and he's now wearing that big boyish grin.

"Okay guys, Nick you have a 412, take Greg with you, Warrick .. You still have case right?"

"Yea, I have one more person to talk too"

"Okay, well, Sara you're with me, we're on a reopened case, the body's with Doc Robbins already"

_Don't cry out loud  
Just keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings_

Sara and I have been talking to Doc Robbins about the findings that he has to the victim. According to him, the woman was stabbed thrice and shot twice, there are three different weapons used, a gun, a kitchen knife, and one more that until now has not yet been seen. Two of the stabbing came from the same knife except for the last one.

"Sara why don't you go and start talking to the family of the vic again, I'm gonna go back to the last findings"

"Okay" Sara has left ... I'm not sure what the rush is though. Anyways, I'm gonna go and check on the files about this case again, I think I left it in the lay-out room.

"Catherine"

"Yes, Doc?"

"I think you should know something ... "

_Fly high and proud  
And if you should fall, remember you almost had it all_

TBC

one more chap to go!!! tell me what you think!...


	26. love and lost

Disclaimer: CSI and the song used is not mine  
  
Spoilers: None  
  
a/n: whew! at last, the last chapter! I am never going to write anything this long ever again. Thanks for all the feedbacks and to those who patiently bear with me through this fic, here's the last chapter, the song used here is 'Have you ever' by S Club. and it's not in POV's style

Chapter twenty-six: Love and lost

_Sometimes it's wrong to walk away_

_Though you think it's over  
Knowing there's so much more to say_

"Catherine – "

"Babe!!" The man who enthusiastically entered the autopsy room interrupted doc Robbins. "What is it?" Catherine asked. "Look at this. What do you think?", "I think wherever this drops of blood came from is different from where this other one" said Catherine as she studied the two pictures given to her by Warrick, "Yes!", "You finally solved the puzzle", Catherine concluded

"Thanks to you"

"Me?"

"You inspire me!"

"Whatever. Go back to work. We'll flirt later" Catherine whispered in a husky voice. Warrick smirked at her and gave her a quick kiss on the lips before heading out.

"So, Doc, what were you going to tell me?" Catherine gave her attention back to Doc Robbins. "Never mind", "Are you sure?", "I kinda forgot"

"You forgot?" Catherine raised an eyebrow not buying the coroner's excuse, "I'll tell you when I remember", "If that's the way you want it".

Doc Robbins watched as Catherine left the room. He sighed and sat back, he was going to tell her what he learned about Grissom when Warrick came, it was then that he realized, that if he tells her, it still won't be a happily ever after thing.

Grissom has his reasons, and he understands his reasons, it is irrational – true, but it's human.

He also realized that he has not seen Catherine this happy for a very long time. She has moved on, and he is in no position to hold her back. He also saw how much Warrick loved Catherine, Warrick has always loved Catherine, and the least he could do is be happy for all of them. This is the path they all chose to go.

If he tells Catherine, what would he expect her to do? Run back to his friend Grissom and leave Warrick and everything she tried to move on from, behind?

"Sometimes, the hardest thing to do is to do nothing" he muttered

"What did you say doc?"

"Oh, nothing David. Why don't you just help me with these."

_Suddenly the moment's gone  
and all your dreams are upside down  
and you just wanna change_

The way the world goes round

Ever since she came they've had this thing between them. True, they started at the wrong end of the road; they seem to be always bickering for their perspectives seem to always clash.

She fell in love with Grissom – or at least she thought she did. Her admiration and respect for the man was what triggered for her to have that feeling, but then she realized, she didn't love him, its just infatuation. And this is what has blinded her for realizing whom it is she really feels love for.

And for the second time around she lost a man from her.

But what can she do, she realized her feelings for him a minute too late. She's been struggling to fight it, but it was of no use, when she was ready to face the facts it was too late.

Catherine was heartbroken, and of course he came like a knight in shining armor for Catherine. It was painful at that time, to watch them always together, but she isn't that selfish and though people might see her a little childish at times, she knew how it is to be burned. All the while she tried to help Catherine, and so did he – the man she loves. She and the man she loves tried to help Catherine, truthfully, all of them did, but it was only her and that man knew what really happened.

She was there as a friend, it was unknown to her that HE was there for something more. She has suspected it, but she blinded herself. Now there's nothing left to do but try to be happy for the couple walking towards the car holding hand in hand.

How she wished it was her

She could have told him a number of times before, all the chance she needed was given to her but she didn't take it, now all chances are gone.

The woman was suddenly broken up from her reverie by a rather too enthusiastic voice with a Texan accent.

"Hey Sara!"

"Hi Nick"

"Have you seen Warrick?" before Sara could answer, Nick spotted Warrick jumping in the car with Catherine.

"Oh well, they're leaving, you wanna join me and Greg for breakfast?"

"Yea. Sure"

_Tell me, have you ever loved and lost somebody  
Wished there was a chance to say I'm sorry_

_Can't you see, that's the way I feel about you and me, Baby_

"Hello?"

"Hey, did I wake you?"

"Gil?!"

"Yea, it's me"

"I've been wondering when you'll call"

"Sorry, I've been ... busy"

"It's okay, I understand. So how's Catherine?"

"She's okay. She's very happy actually"

"I am so glad for you guys!"

"Angela I'm on my way back there"

"Oh really! Is Catherine coming with you?"

"No"

"Why not? Wouldn't she be here to help you through?"

"She doesn't know"

"What!"

"I didn't have a chance to tell her"

"Gil, what are you saying – "

"I'm letting her go"

"You're nuts"

"Maybe so, but she's happier without me"

"And you?"

"I'll be fine"

"Gil – "

"Don't worry about me. I'll see you soon."

"See you soon"

_Have you ever felt your heart was breaking  
Looking down the road you should be taking_

_I should know_

_Coz I loved and lost the day I let you go_

"Hey Doc"

"Oh, hey Jim. What are you doing here? The entire night shift has gone home"

"Yea, I'm on my way home too"

There was something wrong with Doc Robbins, his aura was different, and it wouldn't take a top psychologist, or CSI to notice that. "What's bothering you?" Jim asked

"Grissom." Doc Robbins replied plainly. "You know?" Jim asked not surprised when Doc Robbins nodded his head.

"Jim, how long have you known?"

"I've always suspected something was up, Catherine was his life still is, I'd believe just about anything but him leaving her just like that, no way."

"Gil deserves to be happy"

"He was."

"Catherine has the right to know"

"She had"

"I just can't believe they'll end up this way"

"You know when Grissom and Catherine met, I was there. I was the one who assigned them on their first case together. I was there when she was a rookie, and he'd always want to be the one to 'help' her out. I was there when they had their biggest fight. I was there when Gil wanted to get drunk, he said he just felt like it, and I was amused to how coincidental it was that he wanted to get drunk a few hours after Catherine announced she's getting hitched with Eddie. – "

"And we were both there when he said, 'To hell with everyone, I have to tell Catherine how I feel.' "

A light smile formed across their faces remembering that night, they were drinking in Jim's office a few hours after shift, after solving a very upsetting case. It was a crime of passion, and after all the liquor and the talk they were having, Grissom decided to finally come out of his shell and spill it to Catherine. The next thing they knew they caught the two making out in Grissom's office.

_Can't help but think that this is wrong_

_We should be together  
Back in your arms where I belong_

Jim Brass and Doc Robbins both went on separate ways but thinking of the same thing nonetheless. They both want their friend Grissom to be happy, but it's not their place to meddle.

Maybe, if they saw that Catherine wanted Grissom back, then maybe they would have told her, but she's got a new life, they can't pull her down. True, Grissom deserves to be happy, but both Catherine and Warrick deserve happiness too.

'Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to do nothing'

Oh how true that is. How true that is.

Now I've finally realized 

_It was forever that I've found  
I'd give it all to change the way the world goes round_

"Hey Lindsey!"

"Hey Carla!"

"So, are you and your dad going tomorrow for the father-daughter day?"

"He can't come"

"Oh, shocks, I really wanted to see your dad's cool bugs"

Lindsey just smiled lightly and stood up, she went over the bench a little isolated from everybody, she stayed there and watched her classmates play.

That night

"Linds?"

"Hey Mom!"

"So are you ready for tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow?"

"Isn't it that it's father and daughter day tomorrow?"

Lindsey's eyes widened and an ear to ear grin was formed in her face, "Daddy G's coming!!"

"Uh. No sweetie"

"Oh" Lindsey's big grin turned into a frown, "Linds, baby, you, me and uncle Warrick could go"

"Mom, I can't go to father-daughter day with different dad's every year!"

"Warrick will be there, just as your uncle, or if you want it could just be the two of us"

"It's father-daughter, not mother-daughter, and most specially not mother-daughter-uncle"

"Grissom was your uncle before – "

"Well my friends met him as my dad"

"Linds – "

"Mom, I know that daddy G and you are over, I get it already, and don't worry, I've been in this situation before"

"Lindsey what are you talking about?"

"Things feel like when you and my dad got divorced"

_Tell me, have you ever loved and lost somebody  
Wished there was a chance to say I'm sorry  
Can't you see, that's the way I feel about you and me, Baby_

The next day came, and Catherine got an idea. She woke her daughter up and told her they would be going out.

Lindsey was feeling a little awkward at first, since she and her mom are at the mall with her uncle Warrick, but Warrick was able to take that awkwardness away.

"So Linds, what do you say we have an ice-cream eating contest?" Warrick asked the little girl, Lindsey gasped and her eyes popped out, "Really!?"

"You think you can take your uncle Warrick"

"Oh yea!"

All it took was an ice cream to take the awkwardness away, and once again Lindsey was comfortable with him around. Lindsey started treating Warrick the way she does before, and Catherine couldn't help but to be very glad.

True, Lindsey would never see Warrick as a father, like the way she looked at Gil, but at least they get along, and they get to spend times like these together ... she's contented.

"Hey mom, I wanna go to the toy store"

"We'd go there later honey, uncle Warrick is gonna pay for this shirt"

"The toy store is just beside this shop, can I go ahead? Please!"

"Alright, but you stay there okay"

"Okay"

_Have you ever felt your heart was breaking  
Looking down the road you should be taking  
I should know, coz I loved and lost the day I let you go_

Grissom went to the mall to buy a gift for Angela. He remembered that Angela is fond of collecting stuff toys so he head to the toy store. When he was there he glanced around and saw a white big bear that he knows Angela would love.

Beside the white bear is a Barbie dollhouse. It's the one that he promised Lindsey the last time they went on the mall, he told her, the next time they come here he'll buy it. But they never had the chance to go out again.

Lindsey was looking around the toy store looking for the dollhouse she's been wanting, she asked the lady at the cashier booth who pointed to her where it is, when she got to the place, she saw a man looking at it while holding a big white bear on one arm. There was a smile across her face, she knew exactly who that man is. She's jumped on him from behind numerous times ... numerous times of piggyback riding. "Daddy G!!!"

Grissom spun around to see Lindsey running towards him, the little girl embraced him and he hugged her tightly. "What's the bear for?" Lindsey asked, "Its for a friend" Grissom told her.

"Who are you with?" Grissom asked, "Mom and uncle Warrick is in the other store, uncle Warrick is buying a shirt so I went ahead"

"I see. Do you still want this dollhouse?"

"Are you gonna buy it!!"

"I promised you, didn't I?"

Lindsey was very giddy, she grabbed one of the dollhouses that are sealed inside the box, and Grissom was about to pay for it at the counter when Catherine came.

"Gil!" Catherine was surprise to see him.

"Oh, hi Catherine, hello Warrick" he greeted them nonchalantly

_I really wanna hear you say_

_That you know just how it feels_

_To have it all and let it slip away,_

_Can't you see  
Even though the moment's gone,_

_I'm still holding on somehow  
wishing I could change_

_The way the world goes round_

"Look mom, daddy G got me a dollhouse!"

"Gil – "

"No, Catherine. I promised her"

Grissom paid for the dollhouse, it was placed inside the paper bag, but before he handed it to Lindsey... "Young lady, I think you have to pay me for this, you can't have everything for free you know."

Warrick quirked an eyebrow, Catherine just smiled and shook her head, Lindsey just giggled for she knew exactly what Grissom meant. Grissom bent down, as Lindsey leaned to kiss him on his right cheek, "This dollhouse is quite expensive ... "Lindsey gave him another kiss on the other cheek. Grissom handed her, her dollhouse and Lindsey embraced him tightly and gave him another kiss, "What was that for?" he asked

"I just missed you".

Grissom chuckled, Lindsey didn't really like showing affection towards him and her mom in public, she said it would make her look like a baby, that's when he realized ... just how much the little girl missed him. And he can't believe he's going to leave her again.

_Tell me, have you ever loved and lost somebody  
Wished there was a chance to say I'm sorry  
Can't you see, that's the way I feel about you and me, Baby_

"Okay, well, I'll go ahead" Grissom said as he stood up

"Daddy G, why don't you just go with us? Or I can go with you and you can just drop me home later"

Grissom glanced at Catherine, not entirely surprised to what he saw, so he decided to just back Catherine up. "Linds, I think your mom and uncle Warrick would also like to spend time with you"

"I'm always spending time with them, I rarely see you"

"Lindsey – "

Grissom interrupted Catherine's exasperated voice, "I have a plane to catch. I'm really sorry sweetheart"

"Where are you going?" the words came out of Catherine's mouth before she could stop them.

Catherine walked closer to Grissom, Lindsey walked towards her uncle Warrick, she then decided to entertain her uncle to get his attention away from her mother and daddy G; just to let her mom and daddy G talk. She got her uncle Warrick and her self far enough for them not to hear anything but enough for them to still be visible.

"I'm going to Chicago"

Catherine smirked. She's right all along. "Back to your girlfriend?" came her bitter response

"I've told you before, I'm telling you again. She's not my girlfriend. I never cheated on you. You may not be the first woman in my life, but you're the last. One and only."

Catherine was puzzled, and Grissom could read through her, "She's my friend, she's a doctor, and she's helping me out", before Catherine could reply Warrick called her attention, "Cath!" she glanced at Warrick for a second but quickly turned her attention back to Grissom.

"Gil – "

Grissom was already gone. He was walking away from her, she was about to call out to him again, when she felt Warrick's hands on her shoulder, "Baby, come on let's go".

Catherine reluctantly turned gaze away from Grissom's retreating back.

Grissom and Catherine walked on the two opposite directions.

_Have you ever felt your heart was breaking  
Looking down the road you should be taking  
I should know, coz I loved and lost the day I let_

He has one hour till his flight. He's parked across Catherine's house, he watched as Warrick and Catherine got out of the car, Warrick opened the back seat. Lindsey's asleep, so Warrick carried her while Catherine opened the door of the house.

Grissom just sat there and watched them thinking ... that should have been me.

With that in mind, he turned his ignition on and left.

Warrick went inside, Catherine was hesitant from going in. She watched as a car sped by, she didn't know why, but watching that car go is breaking her heart.

"Hey Cath, what are you doing there?"

"Coming!"

_Yes I loved and lost the day I let_

_Yes I loved and lost the day I let you go_

End ... ?

a/n2: can't believe I ended this, this way. anyways, this fic is too long to even deserve a sequel. ...  
  
so what do you think? liked it? hated it?


End file.
